I’ll get in it! Please. Take me! Put me in a capsule and don’t open it until the future gets here.

So they were going to Spackle a guy’s head into a microwave but the breathing tube got pinched and they had to get him out. What was the plan in the event that everything went as usual? Having a guy’s head Spackled into a microwave is only funny for a limited amount of time. Did he think it would eventually go away…

1964.5 I-6. It was my daily driver in 2001-2003. There’s still nothing wrong with it except some janky wiring, a worn out driver’s seat, a dead battery and a flat front tire. It makes me sad just thinking about it.

We have one, too.

I’m sure it’s all right. I have no doubt, in fact. But that dude’s nose ring is undermining everyone’s credibility.

Yes but the cats will try to get in there.

Thank heavens! Based on the headline, I thought I was about to read an article about how upcoming models of sex dolls will scream and bleed when you stab them!

Those are definitely cool boots but they’re going to be a nightmare going through security. Better to wear a pair of slip-on Vans or something.

“Verbal govt approval” means he asked Donald Trump and Trump said, “Eh? I don’t see why not.”

I suspect if Donald Trump himself murdered someone, his best idea to avoid detection would be to leave a note that says “NO FOUL PLAY WHATSOEVER”.

“’[A]n orgy of banquets, cocktail evenings, discos, jewelry launches and a men’s and women’s couture show’–a laissez-faire existence of fittings and banquets and such.”

He seems to be saying, “Look at that plane over there, honey. Do you think they’re taking pictures of us?”

Cow down?!! Like, act like a cow? And get down? What the hell are you saying? The term is kow tow.

How much do you want to bet the president of the United States of America doesn’t know which continent Montenegro is located on.

Also, don’t flirt with passengers if you’re a TSA agent, dumbass!

I wipe them on my pants.

The last time I was pulled over I was accelerating past 35 in a 25 zone when the cop sitting on a side street and I noticed one another. Since I saw him pull out right behind me, I turned into a side street, left some room for him to park behind me, and got my paperwork ready.

The Summon feature actually seems kind of stupid and pointless because if I had a Model S I’d never get out of it.

It’s the AHCA.

“When I got elected, the far left all met and they said they’re gonna do three things: They’re gonna eviscerate Pat McCrory—this is within the first two weeks”