The turkey drop sounds like a sweet dance move.

Note to self: never ride elevator with a woman who isn't wearing shoes.

I fear the fallout from this fix-a-flat fiasco.

"Protesters say milk is the best way to fight the sting"

The notion that Plan B could be used in place of RU-486 is straight up zombie propaganda. Zombies have an undying devotion to the pro-life movement because it serves their interests. If you abort, what will they eat?

"The kids claim the waitress was wearing dirty shoes."

Ahh . . . festivus and the airing of grievances.

I must say that Michelle is about as out of place at this race as a typical NASCAR fan would be at a MENSA meeting.

Pro-tip: Never tell anyone you are having an "easy Thanksgiving" by going to Black Angus.

Tell that to Frau.

On the next Fear Factor, Joe Rogan goads contestants to finish salmonella-laced Egg McMuffins while inside a feces-laden Playland.

Son: Dad, have you seen my Buzz Lightyear?

A: Will somebody please think about the children?!

My one year old has this strange habit. As she's taking a dump in her diaper she likes to make eye contact with me. She gets a strange look in her eye. It feels like she is staring right through me. She grunts a little. I feel like if she could talk, she'd say, "That's right bitch." I get nervous and have to…

I think this has to do with all of those amazing sexual harassment videos my company forced me to watch. They changed me from a sex manic to a delightful drone worker bee.

The smell of this stuff gets me so hard.

This trailer was pretty boring. My 6 year old daughter, who has the same color hair as Merida, walked away before the trailer was over. The movies complete lack of flatulence is scaring away its target audience.

It's quite simple. You have to free-climb it. If you fall, you will land on the confused throngs of people at the bottom. Then, you have to the back of the line to wait your turn to do it again, just like real roller coasters.

When is the last time you used your imagination?