That comes at 2 AM and again at 3 AM.

Seems weird to hear it without seeing women losing their clothes and a bald man getting slapped on the head.

You bought Gawker for 1 billion dollars?

I regret to inform you that I cannot be your intern as I'm your superior in every way. While I'd love to offer you a position as an intern, I've already filled that position with me. She has the kind of drive not to work and the ability to delegate menial tasks that this company is looking for. Also, I'm terribly…

I like your moxie, kid. Feed Arthur's Liger the meat from the fridge while I neuter him (Arthur - not his Liger).

I set my own schedule and work up to 2 hours a day — max. I require 20 weeks of vacation and 20 sick days (no questions asked). I will need use of a company car at all times (again, no questions asked).

You are getting a little bit too worked up over a $1.50 off Appletinis.

SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!!

But that's why there's a 4 year fail safe. I think your Haley Joel Osment idea is more sound.

Tell me moar.

I would have also accepted, "What did you say about Texas?!!"

I feel like I just got in trouble with an entire state. Extra credit if you know the quote that goes with this pic.

Agree with you on those points.

Eating Mexican food is not a crime but eating Tex-Mex is.

I'm pulling for science. A cure will be found.

I feel like some women would prefer a zombie invasion to listening to the Best Man give a toast.

Hold there own? With a knife? What's the bride even doing? Just look at the extreme lack of Zombie preparedness. I don't have a lot of hope for the longevity of this marriage . . . or humanity.

THAT'S AWFUL. Poor thing. Does she have a number I can call so that I may . . . comfort her. Tell her she'll know it's me when she gets a collect call. Also, I will need her to wire me some money. My IBS, Polio, and Rickets are flaring up. I need help.

If you have the misfortune of being named Mordy, be happy you have ANY relationship - real or virtual.

I agree with you on all points.