Wear a helmet and get rid of your carpet.

I generally watch GMA for all my hard-hitting news and their summer concert series. YAY!

Laughter and nostalgia. Hearted for that.

Videos need music to be added in post to give this a real flash mob feel.

When I die, I want to be deep fried and put on display next to a giant tub of ranch — for dipping of course.

Wait. This sounds just a Weight Watcher's meeting, but more tactical.

I'm sure you can guess what happens next.

He looks a little inbred. I'm thinking he's a were-panther.

The only crime this woman should be accused of is calling her exhibit 'art.'

Yes. I thought about making fun of quinoa for a second but I really, really like it.

Brownies are a gateway dessert.

I used to go to a home school group with my kid. The parents tended to wear their kids' allergies like a badge of honor. "Your kid is allergic to peanuts? My Jonathan is allergic to dairy, wheat and soy." I'm not sure what you're left with after all that. I don't even know what to say to the kid who is allergic to…

Why does shit always get real when we forget to turn on the dishwasher. I mean . . . we loaded it. Partial credit, right?

It reminds me of the time my roommate and I had to write the same paper for an English Lit class. He asked me to give him three nouns at random which he would use in his paper. I worked my a$$ off and got a B-. He spent an hour on it and got an A for a paper that somehow spoke about Mr. Coffee, Ostriches, and…

I'm just out here on the streets trying to keep it real.

Okay. You earned a heart, you cruel bastard.

Good Lord. Why did Kevin Smith think that joke was so funny?

What do you want? I learned all my Engrish from LOLCatz.

Any chance I could get your Dad's number? You know. Just in case.

I have never been able to wrap my mind around calling it a disease.