Kill two birds with one stone by changing the wording of the 2nd amendment:

All right-thinking Democrats must agree with Cuomo and de Blasio. As Hillary Clinton proudly boasted: “I won the places that represent two-thirds of America’s gross domestic product. So I won the places that are optimistic, diverse, dynamic, moving forward.”

The American people watching their elected representatives grovel before predatory plutocrats undoubtedly creates far more class resentment and political instability in America than a legion of Russian trolls could ever dream of accomplishing.

God forbid Russia should have one friendly voice in the U.S. Congress. I can’t help recalling that all these sanctimonious Russia-bashing Democrats kept their mouths shut while President Obama approved record-setting arms shipments to the cretinous terrorist-sponsoring regime in Saudi Arabia, so we can dispense with…

Yes, good idea. We Russian trolls campaign whenever we see fit. Our favored candidates would accordingly gain an advantage over candidates who are handicapped by temporal restrictions. We recognize no such restrictions.

The Russian flag will fly over the White House before America passes a Constitutional amendment to do away with lifetime Supreme Court appointments. In fact, that is likely the only way it will ever happen.

If Facebook memes don’t work we can defeat America with banana peels. It is always wise to have a backup plan.

Alexandria is such a charismatic candidate that she probably would have won even without our help. We predict great things for her.

Gridlock. Paralysis. It is exactly as we planned.

Tomb of Horrors original edition! One of my all-time favorite modules.  Gary Gygax and Karen Carpenter taught me English.

Everything gray. We Russian trolls now enjoy an equal opportunity to have our voices heard. At long last, fairness. That’s all we ever asked for.

Gray will be the new normal on Splinter, and black will be a select privilege dispensed to sycophantic loyalists. Peasants and aristocrats, basically. We Russian trolls wanted to instigate paranoia, but we have succeeded to a degree that shocks even us, though perhaps it can work in our favor. If gray is indeed the…

It is the greatest injustice since the Holocaust.

Do you really want to force us Russian trolls back into the shadows? I knew I was taking a huge professional risk when I proposed this experiment in transparency. If it fails we’ll be returning to the bad old days of 2016, and I may very well be replaced by a troll who wants to hurt America instead of help her. I love…

Honest trolls shouldn’t be lumped in with those who slink in the shadows. We ask the excellent writers of Splinter to consider that Kinja’s Russian trolls have displayed a forthrightness utterly lacking in our Israeli and Saudi counterparts. Think about it.

Russian trolls will never accept that. Our progressive American friends can rest easier knowing Russian trolls remain 100% committed to correcting the grave injustice perpetrated against Bernie in 2016.

Yes, that’s a point I’ve made many times. The greatest feat of investigative journalism in the 21st century is our discovery of dispository evidence of the Democratic Party rigging its 2016 presidential primary. Russian trolls and our affiliated hackers deserved a Pulitzer Prize for that one. We uncover facts that the…

The Saturday Night Fever soundtrack struck me like a bewitching dream of America in sonic form as a Russian child.  Years later I felt terribly betrayed when I discovered America fell far short of my idealized fantasy version.

You do realize fear of the Green Party is perhaps the only thing preventing the Democratic Party from proudly self-identifying as a hawkish corporatist center-right party? Of course it is that, but at least the Greens force Democrats to pretend otherwise.