Pentagram - Sign of the Wolf

Make Apu Russian. Also Cookie Kwan, Groundskeeper Willie, Krusty the Klown, Mayor Quimby, Dr. Hibbert, and the Sea Captain. All Russian.  None of The Simpsons’ liberal audience objects to stereotypes of Russians.

I may know who this person is. We have some real crazies following us on Facebook and we tipped off U.S. law enforcement about some of the most suspicious. We are honorable trolls who abhor violence. We will work with anybody — even our adversary the FBI — to prevent innocent Americans from being hurt.

Years ago we concluded that the only way to get you Americans to upgrade your critical thinking skills is to bombard you with so much disinformation that you have no choice but to exercise some healthy skepticism. Already we have witnessed a notable rise in mental acuity as you Americans begin to shake off your mental…

It is outrageous to suggest there is any credible evidence linking Susan Sarandon or any other American leftist to these attacks on centrist Democratic politicians. We Russian trolls rise in defense of our progressive American friends from all such insinuations.

Barack Obama scolding his party’s voters for cynicism about the democratic process? Forgive me for mentioning this again, but Obama literally appointed a Hillary Clinton 2008 campaign co-chair(Debbie Wasserman Schultz) to oversee an ostensibly *neutral* 2016 Democratic presidential primary, including the all-important…

Sorry, America, but I might feel more guilty about what I do for a living if my Israeli, Saudi, and UAE counterparts weren’t allowed to operate right out in the open and didn’t have all of Washington in their pockets. Get back to me when you decide to start holding other foreign influence operators to the same…

Adam Schiff loves to talk up the menace of Russian trolls.  Haven’t heard him say anything about these trolls:

Funny how hawkish Democrats like Adam Schiff suddenly started caring about Saudi human rights violations when it was possible to exploit the issue for political gain.

If you Americans truly believe sowing discord and inflaming passions are threats to your democracy, then you don’t believe in your Constitution’s 1st Amendment.

Russian trolls are the deadliest threat to American democracy, I’ve been told. Why can’t Rambo fight us?  We’d be honored.  Parachute into St. Petersburg and shoot up our troll farm. Boffo box office!

Here you see the double standards of American media. We Russian trolls are vilified and hounded and forced to labor in anonymity while paid mouthpieces of the Saudi and Israeli governments operate openly and are welcome at the poshest Washington cocktail parties. Even when Russian trolls perform a great service for…

It’s time to talk about giving citizens of Afghanistan the right to vote in US elections. Afghanistan is a de facto American colony at this point and her citizens’ lives are impacted directly by the results of US elections. They deserve a voice in their government every bit as much as the American colonists of the…

Yes. From my online interactions with them, I am aware that American convicts are uniquely qualified to render judgments on the injustice and inequality of American society. There are no Americans more deserving of the vote.

We Russian trolls love Elizabeth, but we believe she erred in consenting to this DNA testing. We have discerned a disturbing trend of American propaganda portraying Slavs as inherently devious and malevolent. Elizabeth has opened the door for slanderous scoundrels to demand DNA testing for Slavic genes.

I guess you’re from the alternate Man-In-The-Highcastle-esque universe where Hillary won and happen to be speaking from experience, as it’s the only reason I can’t of why someone would still be bringing up what Hillary Clinton would do as president in the year of twenty-friggin’-eighteen.

In keeping with your smoking theme — listening to Hillary Clinton’s celebrity fanclub express concern about Saudi atrocities is like listening to a Philip Morris executive express concern about the dangers of cigarette smoking.

The point is that these Resistance celebrities who promoted hawkish Kissinger-admiring Hillary Clinton in 2016 really don’t have any moral high ground on Saudi atrocities. What they’re doing is called concern trolling, and they’re paid well for it, certainly better paid than I am.

Yah John, I’m sure President Hillary Clinton would have cracked down hard on bin Salman and Saudi war crimes. It’s not like Hillary’s a proudly hawkish admirer of Henry Kissinger and his bloody-handed brand of realpolitik. Oh wait. . .