Russian trolls are the deadliest threat to American democracy, I’ve been told. Why can’t Rambo fight us?  We’d be honored.  Parachute into St. Petersburg and shoot up our troll farm. Boffo box office!

No one has done more than Russian trolls to cast Facebook in a bad light. Before us Facebook was a highly respected networking tool that Obama campaign officials proudly boasted of exploiting to reach voters in 2008 and 2012. This was perceived as savvy and forward-thinking at the time. Today it would be too…

Here you see the double standards of American media. We Russian trolls are vilified and hounded and forced to labor in anonymity while paid mouthpieces of the Saudi and Israeli governments operate openly and are welcome at the poshest Washington cocktail parties. Even when Russian trolls perform a great service for…

It’s time to talk about giving citizens of Afghanistan the right to vote in US elections. Afghanistan is a de facto American colony at this point and her citizens’ lives are impacted directly by the results of US elections. They deserve a voice in their government every bit as much as the American colonists of the…

Yes. From my online interactions with them, I am aware that American convicts are uniquely qualified to render judgments on the injustice and inequality of American society. There are no Americans more deserving of the vote.

We Russian trolls love Elizabeth, but we believe she erred in consenting to this DNA testing. We have discerned a disturbing trend of American propaganda portraying Slavs as inherently devious and malevolent. Elizabeth has opened the door for slanderous scoundrels to demand DNA testing for Slavic genes.

Despite the best efforts of us Russian trolls, an astounding number of Americans still don’t understand that Facebook shouldn’t be allowed to operate as a news service. It’s frustrating. Nonetheless we intend to continue highlighting Facebook’s vulnerabilities until everyone is convinced. We are doing a great social…

I guess you’re from the alternate Man-In-The-Highcastle-esque universe where Hillary won and happen to be speaking from experience, as it’s the only reason I can’t of why someone would still be bringing up what Hillary Clinton would do as president in the year of twenty-friggin’-eighteen.

In keeping with your smoking theme — listening to Hillary Clinton’s celebrity fanclub express concern about Saudi atrocities is like listening to a Philip Morris executive express concern about the dangers of cigarette smoking.

The point is that these Resistance celebrities who promoted hawkish Kissinger-admiring Hillary Clinton in 2016 really don’t have any moral high ground on Saudi atrocities. What they’re doing is called concern trolling, and they’re paid well for it, certainly better paid than I am.

Yah John, I’m sure President Hillary Clinton would have cracked down hard on bin Salman and Saudi war crimes. It’s not like Hillary’s a proudly hawkish admirer of Henry Kissinger and his bloody-handed brand of realpolitik. Oh wait. . .

It is past time for Americans to ask how their government and media elites were so thoroughly captured by the cretinous Saudi royal family. We Russian trolls have been cynically portrayed as all-powerful villains by U.S. elites, but they know very well that Russian trolls possess but a sliver of the influence wielded…

I can’t condone ska artists getting paid more. They should get less.

The State Department, in any other administration, would likely be taking an extremely involved, overtly public-facing role in investigating journalist Jamal Khashoggi’s disappearance.

Some Americans may not want to hear this, but Trump’s column largely consists of warmed-over talking points peddled by Hillary Clinton’s campaign in 2016 to attack Bernie Sanders. These scurrilous Hillary talking points were echoed in 2016 by many faux-progressive heroes of today’s “Resistance” —an embarrassing fact…

A friendly reminder: today is President Putin’s 66th birthday. Celebrate responsibly and be respectful of your neighbors.

Note to Democrats: working through official channels to investigate Kavanaugh probably won’t get you where you want to go. If you want the good dirt on Kavanaugh, you’ll need to be willing to go off the grid for help, bend some rules, and work with people you may have had disagreements with in the past. Don’t let old…

Sure, you Americans can pass whatever laws you want, but they’re just words on a piece of paper if nobody is willing to enforce them. For example, much of what happened during your housing crisis was flagrantly illegal and carried stiff jail sentences. Didn’t matter. Just words on a piece of paper. . .

Try contacting the nearest Russian consulate. We just got a huge batch of new files. I can’t guarantee we have yours, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.

Death to teal-drenched movies. Red dawn is upon us.