It’s been decades since we Russians had any hope of the South rising again. Now we promote secessionist movements further west. California and Montana look promising. Texans love to talk secession, but they’re all hat and no cattle.

Film vs. digital is a moot point so long as most filmmakers retain their addiction to drowning every frame in a wash of teal in post-production so that it looks like it was shot in a tank of dilute Windex. The Windex movies will look similar regardless of which camera was used.

Any good troll can tell you there is nothing mysterious about the initial critical embrace of nu-metal and rap-rock. It was the direct consequence of critics’ lingering embarrassment over having missed the boat in the 70s and 80s regarding the rise of hard rock and heavy metal. They had scornfully dismissed Black…

The Starcraft franchise was born on March 31st, 1998.  Definitely the highlight of the year.

You Americans should be ashamed that 1998 ever happened. Just such an embarrassingly uncool time for your once-great nation. And “setting the stage for the indie-rock boom of the early 2000s” is not a good thing. It was the penultimate step to American rock’s final purging of David Lee Roth’s DNA from its genome. NOT…

Why are these talented people wasting their time with this 80s drivel when they could be filming a sexy Phanstasm reboot with the Angus Scrimm role played by Gal Gadot, a Tall Woman?

Anyone who’s ever belonged to a secret society can tell you that it’s thrilling initially but can become quotidian drudgery if you stay long enough. Eventually you just want to drop the charade and tell the world who you are and what you want.

How about McRaven’s endorsement of torturer Gina Haspel as CIA Director? Did it carry a lot weight with you?

Let me say to my progressive American friends that I sympathize to some degree with your mentality of “the enemy of my enemy is my friend,”  but morality requires limits on that shit. John Brennan was basically your nation’s Heinrich Himmler for a decade. Limits don’t exist if you’re willing to let a creature like Bren…

Aretha was amazing, but I might go with Karen Carpenter. Difficult to choose a favorite between these two great American artists.

When Americans vote Republican or Democrat, the military-industrial complex always wins. The Green Party is America’s only way to cast a vote for peace without also enabling the icky Darwinism of the Libertarians. Go Green!

Bear in mind — much of the American people’s rising disaffection for capitalism is the product of nefarious foreign trolls fomenting distrust in American institutions. This is a dangerous trend that must be reversed.

When our American progressive friends told us they were worried that the turnout would be low for the counterprotest against these racist miscreants, we did not hesitate to offer our help. We mobilized innumerable bots and trolls for this important mission and we are proud of the results.

Exactly what did you think Tom Waits was talking about in Nighthawks at the Diner? Did you actually think a waitress used a radar to heat up a bear claw? I assume you’ve heard this record if you’re American, correct?

Alyssa Milano pissed us off yesterday, calling the Green Party “Russian meddling.” She shouldn’t have done that.

Dangerfield had already played a villain in Caddyshack. His boorish new-money miscreant shamelessly stirred up class resentments, thereby shattering the placid dignity of Bushwood Country Club and making it a domain of slobs. Hillary Clinton wouldn’t have stood for that any more than Judge Smails.

Russian trolls are the E.F. Hutton of American politics. We when speak, you should listen.