We Russian trolls agree that there comes a time when morality requires disobedience of the law. That’s why we hacked the Democratic Party’s email servers. We knew it was illegal under American law, but it was the only way to obtain proof that the Democrats were rigging their presidential primary. The American people…

I maintain that no Dinosaur Jr. fan has ever actually listened to J Mascis’ singing. He might be the worst singer ever to land a professional recording contract.

We who love America prefer Van Halen.

Strange world we live in. We Russian trolls post a cartoon of buff Bernie Sanders in a Speedo, and it’s regarded as an act of war. Saudi state media threatens a literal act of war, and it’ll be a trivial unpleasantry that’s quickly swept under the rug and forgotten.

You American progressives who are currently applauding Jones’ banishment to obscurity have short memories.

Let’s be clear: Trump Jr. said the meeting was “primarily” about adoptions, not exclusively about adoptions. That means other topics may have been discussed. Words matter.

Indeed. At Troll Academy in St. Petersburg my professors told me that my training was equivalent to that received in the late 1940's by students of nuclear science, jet propulsion, and radar. These were all technologies that in their infancy at the time, and everybody knew their “state of the art” training would…

Nobody has anything close to a perfect grasp of trolling yet. Trolling (as differentiated from propaganda) has always been around, but it didn’t exist as a scientific discipline until quite recently. There was no intellectual rigor to it before then. The whole field is still in its infancy, and we are learning every…

Many American progressives have mistakenly believed that Russia is an NRA ally. It was necessary to allow this misperception to persist for years, but now we can reveal that Russia’s infiltration of the NRA was intended not to bolster the NRA, but to destroy it from within. Russian operatives like Maria Butina have…

What we Russian trolls sought to accomplish in 2016 can best be explained by the movie The Lost Boys. By killing the head vampire — in this case Hillary Clinton — we sought to cure the Democratic Party of its monstrous appetite for human blood. The results were mixed. Had we been entirely successful, Democratic…

I am an outspoken believer that Christianity is a cancer on western culture. This has brought me into heated conflict with many of my fellow Russian trolls, but I care not.

A good script would have re-imagined Hundred Acre Wood as a long-forgotten pagan holy place that retains some of its ancient magic, with Pooh and his animal friends being childlike incarnations of the feral spirits of forest and stream that were worshipped in ancient Europe before the one god came to silence their…

Of course it’s a prequel instead of a sequel, because the studio is too cowardly to show these kids being killed in Vietnam.

Lovely news to hear on Jerry Garcia’s 76th birthday. Russian trolls approve.

Amazing. No matter how plainly innocuous or silly our posts are, conspiracy theorists discern menace in them. In fact, the conspiracy nuts cite the very innocuousness of our posts as evidence of the fiendish cleverness of the Russian mind.

If you are a cruelly underpaid SB Nation writer, we Russian trolls want you to know you have options. There is a place where your talents will be appreciated and rewarded commensurately — a place where financial success, romance, and adventure await. Would you like to know more?

If 2016 proved one thing, it’s that we Russian trolls are the world’s foremost experts on American electoral politics. So you can trust us when we say Bill Kristol is not a viable candidate.

Hillary’s 2016 defeat can be explained by the intervention of a hostile foreign power, which means her 2016 playbook is still a viable roadmap to victory. Rigging primaries is viable too. Just don’t get caught.

By now you American progressives must surely know with crystalline certainty that you cannot trust American “journalists” to expose the treacherous double-dealing of Democrats who have secretly allied with the Kochs. So where can you turn to get the Truth?

All elections are stolen.