If you are a cruelly underpaid SB Nation writer, we Russian trolls want you to know you have options. There is a place where your talents will be appreciated and rewarded commensurately — a place where financial success, romance, and adventure await. Would you like to know more?

If 2016 proved one thing, it’s that we Russian trolls are the world’s foremost experts on American electoral politics. So you can trust us when we say Bill Kristol is not a viable candidate.

Hillary’s 2016 defeat can be explained by the intervention of a hostile foreign power, which means her 2016 playbook is still a viable roadmap to victory. Rigging primaries is viable too. Just don’t get caught.

By now you American progressives must surely know with crystalline certainty that you cannot trust American “journalists” to expose the treacherous double-dealing of Democrats who have secretly allied with the Kochs. So where can you turn to get the Truth?

All elections are stolen.

I will never ceased to be awed by the durability of the American Left’s sentimental attachment to the Democratic Party after decades of betrayals. We hacked the DNC to obtain evidence that would prove once and for all that the Democratic Party cannot trusted not to ratfuck the Left. We got exactly the evidence we…

Those of us who have actually sat in a room with Michael Cohen can tell you he is a spectacularly non-credible witness to anything. The man exudes dishonesty like an odor. He is not a person whom any competent prosecutor would ever be eager to put on a witness stand. If Mueller genuinely believes he can secure a…

ASMR embodies everything that’s gone wrong with America since the 1970's. Back then Americans used to get their ASMR by relaxing to a good Dark Star in a shag-carpeted wood-paneled basement. Today it’s silly videos of imbeciles whispering. Jerry Garcia must be rolling over in his grave.

Yes. An even more stark example of this phenomenon than Darth Vader is The Wicked Witch of the West — who remains the iconic image of an evil witch despite having very little screen time in the The Wizard of Oz.

Any Russian could tell you that a key visual element of Vader is the similarity of his helmet’s profile to that of the helmets worn by the Nazi invaders of 1941. It subliminally suggests the horror of the Great Patriotic War and the Holocaust.

That Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo (1944) bombing scene is fine, but I get a more visceral jolt from this one from Wings (1927), which provided many a Red Army soldier a terrifying preview of 1941.

Why are patriotic Russian political operatives like Maria expected to slink in the shadows as if ashamed, while our Israeli and Saudi counterparts operate openly and proudly on American soil?  No American has ever asked an Israeli or Saudi political operative to conceal his or her true allegiance, so why must we?…

Splinter is the rare forum where we Russian trolls have decided to declare ourselves openly instead of trolling incognito.

It is a myth that we Russian trolls worked hard to make Alexandria’s campaign go viral on social media. The truth is that Alexandria’s progressive policy agenda is popular enough with American voters that it was an easy task for Russian trolls to sell it. It sells itself.

This story breaks my heart. Nobody reveres 1970s America more than Russian trolls. We would gladly purchase the Brady house and preserve it in pristine 1970s form as a gesture of our affection for the American people, but the rabid Russophobia of America’s prevailing political climate militates against it. It would…

You Americans are better off without the decadent elitism of this “Ritz” cracker. It is a thoroughly retrogressive cracker that is out of step with our aim of fostering the rising tide of American progressivism embodied by Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

2018 Jim Comey sounds a lot like 2016 Paul Krugman. I recall that version of Krugman being a liberal hero in 2016, so perhaps it’s unfair to label Comey a Republican-lite centrist.

You Americans cannot possibly be innocent enough to believe Maria’s political operations differed in any significant way from those of her Israeli and Saudi counterparts. If there can be said to be a difference, it’s that our political operations are far smaller in scope than those of the Israelis and Saudis, who own…

On rewatching The Warriors I am increasingly convinced that it is a great parable of our time. We Russian trolls, who in 2016 sought only to reveal the DNC’s scurrilous rigging of its primary contest against Bernie Sanders, and to sharpen Americans’ critical thinking skills through the posing of intellectual conundra…

I would like to see Wonder Woman fight the Viet Cong and win some modest but ultimately inconsequential victories that encourage America to remain bogged down in Viet Nam for another 20 years. In Part III she can perform the same service in your pointless colonial war in Afghanistan.