Fundraising ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Hillary Clinton’s alacrity for attending ritzy fundraising events was widely reported and ended up being a net negative for her. American voters hated it. We Russian trolls were aware of this long before Hillary and her dipshit staff.

Like any troll, Klein had every right to lie to conceal his identity. His addition of corroborative detail to his inflammatory insinuations was merely intended to lend them artistic verisimilitude and in no way did it impart to him an obligation to vacate the cover of anonymity. Such is the troll ethos. You don’t have…

At risk of being a Debbie Downer, let me remind you Americans that in 2016 we Russian trolls supported two U.S. presidential candidates who were principled opponents of the Iraq War(Jill Stein and Bernie Sanders) while your mainstream news media shat on both and lined up behind Hillary “kill ‘em all and let God sort…

Of course you cretinous American philistines neglected to mention Gentle Giant’s 1970 debut album — a cerebral masterwork which announced the arrival of one of prog rock’s brightest lights.

Yet again Hillary demonstrates why I’ll miss her when she’s gone. As a Russian troll, part of my job is writing fake quotes of an inflammatory/embarrassing nature which can be falsely attributed to American politicians via social media. I couldn’t have topped this one:

We Russian trolls could have told you Americans that Facebook was a pernicious toxin in your lives, but you wouldn’t have believed us. We had to show you. Now you know. We expect no thanks anytime soon, but that’s okay. We are happy just knowing we have improved the quality of American lives.

The veracity of this video has not been verified. There could be any number of explanations. Please get some hard proof before you make this variety of inflammatory allegation against Russian democracy. We didn’t accuse the Democratic Party of rigging its primary process against Bernie Sanders until after we had…

You Americans might as well keep your personal data on Facebook, because we already have it all. Leaving Facebook now would just be closing the barn door after the horse has bolted. Why inconvenience yourselves needlessly?

Bravo! Trolling is the future of journalism. Splinter staff writers are officially on notice: learn 2 troll.

Hello? Katie, you obviously haven’t been keeping up with current events. The closest thing to an actual witch hunt in modern-day America is the ongoing mania for seeing Russian trolls such as myself and fifth columnists everywhere. Case in point: Jill Stein and the Green Party were recently served subpoenas by the…

I only wish I had the superpower I’ve been accused of having — namely the ability to throw the entire planet Earth into chaos by posting some stupid memes on Facebook.

As a troll, I am confounded by the religious cult known as “pragmatism” that infests American politics and the Democratic Party in particular. No matter how conspicuously it fails to produce popular policies or electoral success, its adherents’ faith remains unshakable, and on those odd occasions when their faith is…

Dana, please leave the trolling to the professionals. You’re not cut out for it. That “dying cow” jab is Star Wars Holiday Special level trollcraft.

But what if moderate Democrats only failed due to the unforeseen intervention of a fiendish foreign troll army? Does that not mean the moderates deserve a free pass and an opportunity to fail again? I think so!

LOL. This is America’s “left” party:

Spare these innocent Democratic politicians your bile, for they were deceived into believing there is a groundswell of public support for bank deregulation by a deluge of fraudulent social media activity by Russian trolls and bots. These politicians are babes in the woods, too trusting for this cruel world.

Good idea! Please give me the names of your preferred candidates so I can start discrediting them by saying nice things about them.

Be patient, Americans. We will reveal the truth when the time is right.

Sorry, Libby, but we didn’t “attack” America’s democracy. Our playful pranks were intended to inculcate a healthy intellectual rigor in the American electorate, not paranoid jingoism. Your blinkered mindset can only perceive us as malevolent though we desire only that America lives up to her great potential to be a…

*Eyeroll* Democrats are such dreadfully inept concern trolls. They are piling on Haspel’s checkered history, but the truth is she is carrying baggage quite similar to that of President Obama’s handpicked CIA chief John Brennan — who was a vocal advocate of both torture and extraordinary renditions during his CIA…