attn: Hillary — you know well how our Buff Bernie’s terrifyingly powerful physique sent shock waves through America in 2016; now know this: soon we will unveil Buff Bernie 2.0. His muscles and crotch bulge will be of such extraordinary magnitude that his appearance on social media will inflict a devastating psychic…

He is good guy. Give him break.

Can we please drop this pseudo-mystical hokum about the internet? I can’t tell you how many starry-eyed rookie trolls I’ve seen who’ve bought into this crap. Invariably they come back to Earth within a year on the job. The mundane truth is there’s nothing magical about the internet. It doesn’t create or dictate…

We love Marty Shkreli and are paying to keep him safe in prison. He’s worth every penny.

The consensus is that the first Blair Witch is not much of a movie, but it is an inspiring underdog story for people who want to scare Americans on a shoestring budget. I like it.

Pfft. You call a $248 million box office on $60K budget “incredible”? My associates and I have flipped elections and terrorized entire nations for less. Hillary Clinton spent $1.2 billion and still couldn’t beat us. You want real bang for your buck, call us.

Cosmically bad timing by Courtney Barnett. At the precise moment in history — almost to the day — when we internet trolls are annointed genius supervillains with the power to topple U.S. democracy, she releases a song declaring us hapless emotionally stunted losers. She ought to show a little more respect.

How poorly you understand us. We do not desire that an angry American underclass questions its political instincts. Quite the contrary. Our intention is to goad America’s sociopolitical elite into suppressing the underclass’ political instincts, at least in the short term. Thus will America become a pressure cooker of…

Thank you, CNN. We hoped for this. This woman’s face and name are out in public and she’s receiving threats and hate online and can’t leave her house without looking over both shoulders.

It’s nonsense to say America’s well-documented history of ratfucking other countries’ elections doesn’t excuse the alleged Russian interference in 2016. Clearly it does.

We Russian trolls never forgive disgraced celebrities, therefore we are morally superior to Natalie.

I will need a few drinks before watching this. I usually enjoy trolling America, but like all non-sociopathic trolls, I have my own tolerance level for secondhand embarrassment, beyond which pity kicks in. It is unpleasant and distasteful to troll people you pity.

Harley and Gibson are classic 20th-century brands that embody the mythology of America’s post-war glory years. But those are dying embers. As the 20th century fades into the rear view mirror, the mystique of these brands also fades, never to return. Sad.

Ace of Base, the luckiest? Get real. Pearl Jam is not just the luckiest hit band of the ‘90s, but of all time. They are the all-time kings of being in exactly the right place at exactly the right time. Put them anywhere other than Seattle in the early ‘90s, they go nowhere.

Meh. You Americans ought to know by now that this sort of oligarch/POTUS consultation has been routine since the founding of your republic.

As a paid Russian troll, I adore these snarky barely-left-of-center corporate-approved liberal TV comedians. They have inflicted thousands of savage TAKEDOWNS on Trump which have EVISCERATED and DESTROYED him again and again and again — yet somehow he has not only survived, but thrived. These folks are, in fact,…

Ah, the long-awaited march toward explicitly criminalizing political dissent has begun. This is the beginning of our end-game, and I’ll tell you why. Once Americans have bought into the notion that foreigners sowing discord and distrust of American institutions constitutes a security threat to the United States, the…

But Libby, Clintonism would be alive and well today if not for the meddling of Russian trolls like me. Are you really going to let me win this easily? I’m disappointed in you.

Just curious - does Rock still believe the President and First Lady are America’s mommy and daddy? He said he did in 2013:

We’re working getting a mole into her campaign staff to give her bad advice. I can’t promise we’ll get it done, but we’ll do our best.