TIL there are people in the year 2018 who still unironically use the word “pragmatic” to defend Barack Obama’s governance. It’s like finding out there’s been a lost colony of brachiosaurs hidden in the Amazon jungle for the past 65 million years.

Physical political conflict is anachronistic, uncivilized, and dangerous. Modern trolls are businessmen and professionals. We don’t like violence. Blood is a big expense. Yes, some of us were ruffians in our youth and we have the scars to prove it, but we outgrew that nonsense.

Would you like a copy of that soppy drivel on the stolen master tapes? You’ll have to talk to the person who stole them, or wait and see if he posts them online for free, which he may very well do.

No, it wasn’t.

I will neither confirm nor deny our involvement in this theft, but let me say that at the office we consider Jawbreaker’s fans to be some of the most annoying Americans we have ever encountered. Permanently adolescent autistic pseudo-intellectual drama queens, the lot of them. I troll Americans because it’s my job,…

The Obama years were magical, especially in Portland! No explanation, no mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time and the world.

Pro-tip: if you Democrats ever want to win again, first know that most Americans didn’t experience Obama’s eight years as an idyllic era of “safety, equality, and comfort.” You’re hilariously out of touch if you haven’t already figured that out. And please stop blaming honest hard-working paid Russian trolls for…

There’s a line beyond which contrarianism crosses into trolling. Most Green boosters straddle the line, which is offensive to me professionally, which makes it a form of trolling in a way, so I suppose my point is moot.

We are well aware of Moby’s CIA “friends.” I’ve read their files. Moby seems like a nice (if misguided) fellow, and I know it would break his heart to learn he’s being manipulated by dirtbags who care nothing for him and laugh at him with their mistresses in sleazy hotel rooms after sex, so let’s not tell him, shall…

Is this trolling? If so, bravo. My boss asked me to write exactly this sort of Oprah piece this morning, but it appears I have been beaten to the punch. Well done.

I ams listening to Immortal’s At the Heart of Winter — because it’s c-c-c-cold, baby!

You don’t need silly vinyl for an immersive music-listening session. You can still listen on computer. Simple method: create a black gif equal in pixel dimensions to your monitor screen. Turn off room lights, cue up your music playlist, then load the black gif into a browser tab in fullscreen mode. Now you just have a…

As a child troll I dreamed of getting a Scientologist elected President of the United States. Was I ever so young?

Libby, you can do better. This article is boorish drivel that deprecates the profession of trolling. Seriously, pictures of dumpsters and porta potties. That’s the trolling equivalent of prop comedy. 2017 was a breakthrough year that saw trolling finally achieve its deserved status as a serious craft worthy of…

Refurbished router? If you only knew what goes on in those refurb shops. It’s shockingly inexpensive to get shop employees to compromise the security of routers and send us the serial numbers and MAC addresses. If a compromised router is sold, we know who bought it, and we cross-reference the buyer’s name to our…

Refurbished router? If you only knew what goes on in those refurb shops. It’s shockingly inexpensive to get shop…

In that case you must consider the possibility that I, as a paid Russian troll, am only mentioning that Twilight Zone episode as a ruse to gain your trust by showing I share your concerns about Trump’s erratic behavior. In other words, I could be behaving in the same deceptive mode as the episode’s Devil character. …

I cannot support that unless it applies exclusively to punk rock and ska “artists.” Additionally, they must retroactively repay all their record royalties (with compounded interest) into a charity fund for Russian language education in public schools.

Why can’t more artists emulate Doctor Rockso’s demand to be paid in cocaine?

What a strange person. We always knew he had mercurial tendencies, but he’s more than we bargained for. You know that Twilight Zone episode, The Howling Man? It’s the one with the weary traveler who stumbles into a monastery one rainy night and unleashes the Devil from a locked cell after being warned not to open the…

Pot alarmism is overblown. Californians who get hooked on marijuana can always move to Berlin like David Bowie.