I would smear my dinner with feces before I willingly befouled it with onions. The only onion I’ll ever touch is the one tied to my belt.

If they’re shoes, they were cordwainer-made, not tailor-made.

I don’t hate joy, but I do object to insidious meta-product placement in real life. If you are the guy who bought a “Bad Motherfucker” wallet after you saw Pulp Fiction, enjoy it. Don’t let my cynicism take the fun out of it for you. I am not trying to kill anyone’s buzz, unless your buzz is based on hurting or…

I dream of meeting the lovely lady at 0:35 (who NAILS her line, btw): I pivot toward her, finger guns unholstered, mimicking gunfire with two lateral clicks of my tongue. Thus winning her heart, I take her hand and lead her to the couch, where I bid her ask any weird question she desires. Her first question is “wanna…

I was slouched in my chair just now, breakfast plate perched precariously on my FUPA. When I read this tweet my torso twitched with an involuntarily spasm of jubilation, causing the plate to wobble. A piece of Banquet© Brown ‘n Serve Beef Sausage rolled off onto the floor! Fully woke, I sprang into action, grabbed the…

Well the tournament’s kind of boring right now so I’ll feed the troll.

Don’t worry, the day is still young, and word is its Adrian’s weekend to watch the kids.

I stream with with a single testicle just visible at the edge of the camera and take donations to move the camera up ever so slightly. My son starts harvard next year.

God damn it Barry. Leave that shit for the rest of us.

“I already drank my share” is one I use sometimes. Regardless, if they don’t let my first answer go I tell them, truthfully, that my brother died of gastro-intestinal hemorrhaging from long-term alcohol abuse and every time I consider having a drink I think of him dying alone in his shabby apartment in a growing pool…

I’ve often found that the people who have an easiest time explaining to others why they don’t drink are women with great racks. It seems like everything they say just makes more sense and is also at the same time pretty hilarious.

I don’t know if “Your shit is gross and we’re not coming” is a protest as much as it is an observation followed by sensible course of action.

How do you reconcile that?

Sure, idiot!

No pony soup for you!

Except that you call him selfish implicitly by moaning on about his family as if he purposefully took his life to leave them behind. You know, what “selfish” is, right? You even state he “has deprived [his kids] of a father”, which is a statement of premeditation, also inferring selfishness. It’s not that fucking hard…

“I don’t believe suicide is selfish but man was this guy who committed suicide selfish.”

It is not like that Sir. It takes an complete asshole to judge someone who suffers and decides to move on with his pain. Depression is an illness, a disease. Clearly, you do not understand the pain it must take to make that decision. I am very happy for you and hope you never have to understand that level of pain and…

Of course he was selfish. I am not entirely certain there is anything you can do that isn’t inherently selfish.