Countdown to the Baios dragging out their black best friend... Again.

One more reason I'm considering taking back "Anyone is better than Elizabeth Hasselbeck..."

Sounds like you need a tea to get your anger out. :P

I imagine him in the kitchen every night, grilling kidnapped hipsters, and cackling like a mad scientist as he writes complex food equations on to a chalkboard.

I've had a mad crush on Paul Rudd since "Clueless". My husband told me he was driving to work the other day, going down the West Side Highway in Manhattan, when he saw Paul Rudd trying to hail a cab. I screamed at him, "Why didn't you stop and pick him UP? You could have brought him HOME!!"

Is this the place to mention my terrible co-worker story? We worked at Starbucks together, her name was Allie. Allie would've followed the dress code rule that stated you could wear a black skirt with black tights, but I guess that she forgot to wear her skirt. Every. Single. Day. I could see her butthole and it was…

I have one! One night, while working as a hostess, I was doing my job and about to sit a party. A group of men in their 30s was leaving the restaurant. I say goodbye to them and thank them for their patronage while starting to lead the other party inside. At this moment, I fell a hand under my dress grab my butt…

I kinda feel like you are always full of shit.

It's not really a liability when another customer does it, though. No restaurant employee laid a finger on him.

Dogs have terrible poker faces.

shit. Fuck. Okay, auto correct just gave my husband cancer. Shit. Totally didn't mean that. I meant and THOUGHT I wrote "my husband's and my cat has breast cancer" as in the cat belongs to me and my husband.

Or both.

Every guy you (a woman) asked SAID they would love it?

Reminds me a supervisor who gave the staff a list of acceptable activities to improve morale. She was ... uncomfortable with any jokes, etc. not on the approved list. I guess we were expected to tell the same jokes over and over again and just laugh, and laugh and laugh. "The beatings will continue until morale…

This broad don't need to be anywhere near children. You are grown. You run things. WHAT THE FUCK, BRUH?!

Did you just have a stroke?

"They're going to Tumble about you" conjures a hilarious image of shoplifters in a tornado