It’s not clear, during the many years they were together, that Hope had meaningful work—not consistently, anyway, not as benefitting someone with an Ivy League education and multiple graduate degrees.

Yes! And that goes double with your friends. My roommate got waylaid by some douchebag at work yesterday who kept saying to him, “You should take your shirt off,” made comments about wanting to see my roommate’s dick, and then described in detail how he drinks the wine my roommate sells and masturbates every Sunday…

Those aren’t drumsticks. That’s part of the wing. They just have the same shape as drumsticks.

There is nothing I can print that won’t be subject to Pinkham’s Law. If I printed “a customer came in and stabbed me in the face” I would get replies of “WELL MAYBE YOU DESERVED IT.”

Carla’s honeycomb ice cream story 😱😱😱😩😩😩

There are so, so many stories here they are going to generate a run of Pinkham’s Law style responses. Like, every story.

It continues to amaze me that some customers think that people who professionally make coffee drinks don’t know how to make coffee drinks. Like a barista doesn’t know how to make a cappuccino?

God, that last one is like a Monty Python sketch. It’s ex-ice cream! It’s ice cream pining for the fjords!

When I rule the world the punishment for snapping your fingers to summon a server shall be the loss of said digits. I can’t even read a description of someone doing that without a red haze descending across my vision.

A few weeks ago, I was in a class for work, and we had a catered in lunch. The girl sitting next to me said, “Oh, I hope they have something gluten free.” I responded with “Oh, you have Celiac disease?” To which she replied, “No, I’m just kindof intolerant. Like if I eat gluten, I get bad heartburn.”

It’s always funny to see hipsters who buy records and then have one of those Crosley record players with the speakers built in. I don't even care for records, but that's the wrong way to do it.

2. when these showed up in Deadspin’s chatroom, someone at the office shouted, “YOOOOOO, THUMB DEAD?

Brother, I have been publishing that piece in serial form for months.

I look forward to your next piece “I am a crotchety old man”.

When one of your main selling points for the entire state of Oregon is the proximity to Seattle you’re an asshole. When your other points include beer and a bunch of white people, you’re a special breed of asshole.

“Yeah, I just totally took this class in buying art. I’ll give you $50,000 for that picture.”

So I can, and let me repeat that, so I can keep track of the visions in my dreams.

Always wear sunglasses at night.

When anyone asks me, “Modding, what’s that?” I say nothing, pull out my phone, and show them this video. Then they call the police.