Depending on the size and type of snake, my reaction would be “Cool! A snake!” and I would go and look for a large mayonnaise jar or and empty one of those giant plastic bins of cheese balls you get at Costco so that I could observe it for a while before turning it loose.

When I log in to Netflix, the show lists of shows and movies under headings like “New Releases” “Because You Watched XXXX” or “Crime Thrillers.”

They need to add one that is “Stuff From Your List That Is Leaving Soon.”and “Stuff You Might Like That is Leaving Soon” and “Stuff That Was On Your List That Went Away And…

“Ugh, bacon and processed meats are so bad for you.”

“I’ll have you know my great uncle lived to be 98 years old.”

“Oh, what, and he ate bacon three times a day, did he?”

“No, he minded his own fucking business.”

I believe you. :-D

A: “Whenever I’m tired of arguing with a stupid asshole, I just say “You’re right” so they’ll shut up and stop wasting my time.”

B: “That’s kind of a shitty way to be, man.”

A: “You’re right.”

What’s the fastest way to cut through bronze? Like if you wanted to remove a piece of bronze from a larger piece of bronze before anyone noticed what you were doing? Asking for a friend.

So there are these little firecracker things where when you pull both strings, the squib goes off with a loud popping sound that can be startling if you aren’t expecting it.

In recent months I’ve started socking away a certain percentage of my income (from my regular job, plus any side gigs or extra that I make) in savings, IRA, and a special “fun” checking account (for frivolous things) depending on the amount of money in my regular checking account that I use to pay bills. My checking…

How much do you get for winning second prize in a beauty contest?

Why are they calling them EV Beetles when they could have gone with “Lightning Bugs?”

We did not start the “War on Christmas.” Christmas started it, when it annexed the Sudetenland of the Rest of November After Thanksgiving. Then it started to invade the Poland of After Halloween. If we do not take a stand, it will claim more and more, until “Christmas in July” is an actual thing, instead of just a…

UNTIL AFTER THANKSGIVING, GODDAMMIT!

You can do the same thing by putting two dowel rods on either side of your dough and rolling your pin along the dowels.

You can do the same thing by putting two dowel rods on either side of your dough and rolling your pin along the…

It is now.

.

No a waiter, but I work at the pro shop of a tennis resort. Employees have an option of having meals for $2.50 out of your check for every shift that happens during a meal time. That’s $2.50 a day, not per meal. We have to wait for guests to go through first (especially for some of the fancier meals a group might…

See, if they were really committed to their message, instead of spending so much money on makeup artists, they’d use this instead:

Considering how they’ve turned the NRA from an interest group for hunters into an Evangelical Megachurch to the Gun, it seems only fitting that they adopt the common characteristic of megachurches of taking the money donated by its parishioners for the use in good works and instead spending outrageous amounts of it on…

I mean, there are already a few slurs for Italians, I can’t see “Fredo” suddenly jumping to the top of the pile. I don’t even consider it to be exclusive to Italian-Americans. Any man who’s unintelligent, ineffectual, slightly cowardly, and who is aware of this and deeply insecure about it is potentially a “Fredo.”