They could have called it Powerful Energy Weapons to Prevent Enemy Warheads (PEWPEW).

And then got grounded by their parents when they got the phone bill.

At least it wasn’t Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Then there’s the question of getting help with games when you’re stuck. You take GameFAQs and YouTube for granted. I remember the days of plunking down $15-20 for a player’s guide. Once I even wrote (yes, wrote) into Nintendo Power with a question, and by the time I got an answer several weeks later I had figured it…

That’s nuts. It’s not as though the Catholic clergy even plays video games. HEY-OH!

“Nah, we don’t need to do any focus groups.” — some studio executive who is cleaning out their office right now.

What?! Tell me that it’s just for food and drink containers and not electronic and appliance packing materials. I will NOT make my G.I. Joe forts out of cardboard like some fucking peasant!

Jesus. Google what a proper beard neckline is supposed to look like.

Please, please, please don’t it them be based on the books.

But I’m here to tell you that you don’t need two lids. You never did.

I really, really hope Uwe Boll is involved in this. Otherwise, it means there’s another one just like him out there.

After Trump loses the election and is indicted, whoever is the next President should re-invite all these athletic teams, including the ones that declined to come, and show them what a presidential reception is supposed to look like.

Can we shtill wager “Shuck it, Trebek?”

I kinda disagree with this. I dislike houses that are just a bunch of pokey little rooms. I can live with less square footage so long as it’s open with high ceilings so it feels bigger. My parents’ house was built in 1980, and was fairly open-concept before that was a thing. The kitchen looks into the dining area,…

Vagina vampires are only a threat one week out of the month, and only if you invite them inside.

If you’re counting calories to monitor your food intake, don’t even bother considering calories lost in exercise, unless you’re training for a marathon every day or something. Don’t figure that an hour on the elliptical means you have 800 “extra” calories or whatever. Just consider whatever you burn as a weight-loss…

Well. No shit.

Unless you’re this guy:

Don’t worry, Donny. You’ll always have the bots.

Oh, sure, but I poke a few kids with a cattle prod to get them to settle down, and they yank my teacher certification!