When I was shopping for my first handheld, I got a Sega Game Gear, because it was in color. And it was... alright. I had a few decent games for it, and while color was nice, it tended to be blurry when the screen scrolled. It also ate AA batteries like nobody’s business. You absolutely had to have the separate battery…

Even more disconcerting was that the plans were all written in glitter gel pen.

Eh, I was just trying to ironically signal that I am aware that it’s an obvious pun.

Because everyone else has been pumping the breaks on the Galaxy Fold. Did you see what I did there?

Are you sure it wasn’t Whizzo™ Butter?

Eh, it was the first good image I could find and I was in a rush because I didn’t want someone else to beat me to the joke.

Instead of wielding the legendary hammer she’s become so familiar with lately, Jane will race into battle with Undrjarn, the All-Weapon, which can be transformed into any battle weapon she can think of

“*AHEM* What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

Major plot hole for a modern remake of Child’s Play: kids hardly play with toys any more. No kid as old as Andy is in this movie would own and actively play with a doll. They have Minecraft and Fortnite.

The guides are no help. You have to upgrade all the weapons to Ultimate, and to do that you have to have Trapazohedrons and Dark Matters, plus a shit-ton of money to buy materials to boost your weapons up until they can be upgraded. I believe you can eventually buy all that stuff, but money is scarce in the game, and…

Screw that. Why go for fake fancy? You still look like you can’t afford real marble or granite tops, except now you look like you actually care that you can’t afford them. I say embrace the cheapness. Eschew this bullshit keeping-up-with-the-Joneses middle-class HGTV obsession with marble countertops and hardwood…

Screw that. Why go for fake fancy? You still look like you can’t afford real marble or granite tops, except now you…

Ugh. Final Fantasy XIII’s collect one of everything trophy. I cannot be bothered to farm Adamantoise after Adamantoise for a small chance at a drop I need to upgrade my weapons or sell to pay for the upgrade. This kind of trophy is total bullshit.

If I ever had kids, I will absolutely force them to learn and practice cursive. I have a 12-year-old nephew and his print handwriting is atrocious, never mind cursive. They do all their school assignments on tablet computers. 

Okay, whatever, what I want to know is: What did they do with his cat?

Eh. I’m still not convinced. I’m not sure the hyper-realistic animal faces can emote enough to carry their performance. 

Oh, fuck off. You know damn well you don’t always fit them in right on the first try. No one does. Ports can be oriented one way on one computer and the other way on others. A stick can go label-side up on one machine and label-side down on another. If you’re not looking directly at the port, especially one in the…

I would also like for the secret agent, upon getting access to the laptop to first try to plug in the USB, then flip it over, try again, then flip it again to the original position before it successfully plugs in to the computer.

I’d like to see a spy movie where the main character infiltrates the evil organization’s headquarters, gains access to the villain’s office and accesses his laptop, plugs in the USB drive and starts copying the secret plans, the camera zooming in on the incredibly-slowly-filling progress bar as the villain is heard to…

♪ IT’S THE CIIIIIIIIRRRRCLE OF LIIIIIIIIIIFE...♫