Feet Loaf put out the classic album Bat Out Of Heel.

The wife had the kids safely though, triplets in fact...

True, but you don’t expect the water to come from the floor-situated, badly insulated, grout-weakening Koi pond....

I’ve had both good and bad times at office and work-related parties, but nothing as horrendous as my Dad experienced about forty years ago. It was his company’s Xmas get-together (dreadful term) and we were surprised when he arrived back at about 9pm, surprisingly sober, and not a little rattled. This was unexpected si…

Wouldn’t it be great if he’d flubbed the last line?

At this point Chappelle is as edgy as a half-inflated balloon.

Keep the same picture but now have large red arrow and a caption in Bold Comic Sans stating ‘Spencer Elden’s Winkle!’, with his phone number underneath. Might not solve the problems but would give a few people a laugh...

Campari and smoked salmon.

Believe me, the French don’t like the Quebecois either, at all. I’ve only been to Montreal a few times and absolutely love it but I was surprised how anti the European French dislike their Canadian counterparts.

Folgers.... the perfect coffee for slipping your sister the ol’ sousargé...

Dignity at all times. 

He was misheard, he actually said ‘I’m hanging up the tattoos’, finally getting rid of those terrible ‘sleeves’. 

They’re obviously CRUDs - Cannibalistic Roostery Underground Dwellers.

‘Coming This Fall on Peacock - Spacetwinks and Cabbit! Two mismatched partners doing..... something, in some sort of office, or a studio, or a space station. One’s a ...... well .... hard to say, and the other’s a...... aw fuck it.....’

I’ll see your MD 20/20 and sardines, and raise you Strega and scallops.

Have a star. You may keep it over the weekend.

And a second back-up heart.

Are they trying to get in on the ‘Last meal on Death Row’ market?

Wow, The Return Of Captain Invincible, a very..... odd movie. For years I suspected I imagined the whole thing since nobody I met had even heard of it.

You want tough and chewy? Imagine a nineteen-year-old, living in his first apartment, asking a young lady round for dinner and, instead of going for one of the three main dishes he’s got down pat, he decides to go for brisket and, possibly through drastically mis-reading a recipe or just momentarily losing his mind,…