They certainly did craft some ornate configurations of bullshit.

I mean, I said as much six months ago, and I failed community college physics.

Those four bullet points at the end basically read, “so any of the stuff people got busted for before, you’re not doing any of that, right?”

I assume the idea is that if you held that part up at eye level to read it, the liquid would naturally flow out of the shoe, thus accomplishing the task at hand.

That struck me as the most dumbfounding moment of the whole thing, too. Although who knows what kind of crazy shit he hears from other players at their hearings.

This looks awesome and all, but... how is it not Jambalaya?

THEN WHO WAS PHONE?

Not so much contrition as complete submission. Contrition is just the form that happens to take in this case.

Except the Patriots organization, which was explicitly cleared in the show trial and still lost money and first-and fourth-round picks.

Like being forced to sit out a quarter of a season and forgo millions of dollars?

This isn’t something that just happened to Goodell. It’s completely out of his control now, but he had lots of opportunities to put out this fire before it spread, and made the worst possible choice at basically every opportunity he was given. And he’s still doing it!

They probably wanted the phone records so they could fish for details that sound salacious and incriminating when they’re leaked out of context. Like that Brady “destroyed his phone,” for instance.

Sort of. It’s the fans of the other 31 teams who hate the Patriots—you all desperately want to take them down a couple of notches, because they’ve been so good for so long, and why should someone else be allowed to have nice things?—that anything even slightly suspect is blown way out of proportion. The media feeds…

How many games would you get for drugging and raping a famous African lion?

You’d only get 3 for that.

FWIW, Florio didn’t even write that PFT article. And he’s annoyed the shit out of me in the past, but I think he’s been pretty good on this whole Ballghazi debacle. His legal training has actually given him some decent perspective on this.

That’s exactly why it’s so damaging to the NFL: it’s an entirely self-inflicted wound. One of many, at that.

There are four of these things already? I thought Acclaim went out of business.

I love Pedro. But man, the strike zone was wide that day.

Is there a disease that makes people turn into Glenn Beck? This would be the second confirmed case.