"I'm sorry Mr. Porter. I'm sure you're perfectly well qualified to play the villain in the Brutal Sunday Mugging episode, but I'm afraid we're only hiring SAG members for the part. I'm sure you understand."

Oh.

"If there's going to be a flag, it has to be that flag,"

That's why people get so frustrated with Armstrong. Because he's constantly acting like an entitled fuckwit and you're constantly saying, "How? How can he not SEE that he's acting like an entitled fuckwit?" And he doesn't! He totally doesn't. It seems virtually impossible that someone could be so oblivious, and yet…

So wait, when do we in the Not-A-Cocksucker camp get to start a completely stupid firestorm over Dirk not shaking hands after the game? Is Craggs working on this already?

Asked for comment, she said she hopes she might live to be as old as Jim Leyland looks.

The 13 homeless guys who were in line ahead of him to bathe in the sink all pointed and laughed at the sad little millionaire athlete pathetically pissing out on the street.

Undressed Mascot Loses Job, Regains Job, Confuses Adolescents

+1

It's cool that guys who, based on the pieces I just read at least, were hired to write about themselves and all the awesome shit that happened to them and famous people they've met are ALSO going to find time to mention sports every now and then too (supposedly, maybe next time). Really progressive stuff.

I tried to edit, but it timed out on me, and I'm worried I came off like a narcissistic douchebag. I left out a key point. I meant to say WE ALL (as in regular commenters) see comments we could've come up with, again not that any of us would always do it right. Basically, if you've been here long enough, you see…

My approach is to give them out when I see a really great comment that I know I couldn't possibly have come up with myself. I honestly don't mean it as an arrogant thing, but probably the majority of jokes I see every day I feel like I probably could've come up with myself if my mind had happened to go the direction…

Blackberries. Well, assuming Cantaloop doesn't count.

FUCK YES. So funny, I've been on a random Cult kick lately. I've listened to "Rain" and a few others from this record like 3 times a day for weeks. No idea why. Always liked this album, but was never like super Cult fan or whatever.

What Would Football Look Like If It Were Played With Baseballs?

Bob Costas did not come up with anything positive to say about Are We Winning by Will Leitch. He's a hack.

He shot himself while wearing relaxed cottonwear.

Now all you supersonic people underbite our rhyme

+1

Bitch, please. That was ONCE, and that guy's funk keyboard script was funny. And as far as I've seen, he hasn't embarrassed me yet.