To Carolina:

Yes. Let’s focus on the SINGLE wrong call of the entire playoff series. Or if you insist on focusing on this call, let’s focus on the game 2 goalie interference call that took a goal away and the game for the sharks. So you can have your 2 minute cross checking minor penalty, and I’ll say the sharks won in 6. Deal?…

That video gives me hope that Donald Trump will eventually fucking die at some point.

OK, OK, so the Patriots didn’t get screwed. In their defense, though, that usually costs an extra hundred, 150, over just the basic handjob.

After all these years, an annoying white guy who won’t go away finally gets me to root for Duke.

I’m delighted for him. My former BiL caddied for him once, and said he was one of the nicest players he’d met – and he’s caddied on the European and US tours!

I can no longer read JD Powah in anything but Mahk’s voice.

Mitsubishi: My local dealer runs the same advertisement on the radio every year around tax time, screaming about how his accountant has made an error and that he now has to give you more cash for your trade-in for tax reasons. Every year I ask myself why he just doesn’t get a new accountant, since the guy is obviously…

I can improve Ranch.... by throwing it in the garbage.

Counterpoint: Ranch dressing is an unholy alliance of mayonnaise and buttermilk, two vile, noxious emulsions that when combined with some dried onion powder and spices, obliterates the flavor and texture of any food it comes in contact with. It’s American culture distilled into one abhorrent condiment. 

Counter-counterpoint:  all ranch dressing is disgusting and no one should ever eat it. 

That’s an acute observation.

A .50 Desert Eagle, from a foot away.
I wouldn’t trust a braille copy of the Bible to stop that.
...
I mean, not that I trust the Bible for anything else for that matter.

“I dunno honey, I think I wasn’t going fast enough and that was the problem. Get back out there and I’ll get this thing up to 88mph or so and I’ll go back in time to when we weren’t married.”

Cool. Now test a GFCI outlet by taking a toaster into the tub with you. 

Nobody tell them about the NYC Bodega cats.  

I personally think everyone should have to put in a year or two in something minimum-wage customer service before moving on in the work force just to understand.

I think a lot of people haven’t had a shite job as a teenager, actually. Just judging by the way people actually treat entry-level food service and retail employees, it’s obvious that some people have literally never been on the receiving end of that behavior.

Nice.