I’m going to make a bet that the same people upset about promoting fairness (or kindness) have at some point bemoaned our country drifting away from its ‘Christian values’.

Sure, like the Salzburg festival in The Sound of Music, where they had to sneak off stage to elude the Nazis... just like the Blues Brothers, come to think of it.

Curious how they’re all rated in the Book of Dougs

Glad to see Mikey return- “From that dream where we owned a pancake restaurant together.” I also love the callback of him being “one-quarter marionette”, presumably referring to his Puppazza from Season 2.

You would be surprised about how much kids will be pleased with the complimentary soaps and shampoos from the hotel, or the tiny ketchup bottles you get with room service.

While Kevin dodged the question, poop is clearly not vegan as it comes from an animal, same as milk or eggs or honey. Nobody’s suggesting you should eat it*, you shouldn’t eat because it’s poop, for chrissakes, but we can still define words.

Of course she’d choose Donkey Kong, the donkey has been a symbol of the Democrat party since the days of Andrew Jackson.

I’m happy to cede Philly to New Jersey.

Pretty sure they’re back from winter break at Carnegie Mellon by now.

“If you cannot or will not imagine the results of your actions, there’s no way you can act morally or responsibly. Little kids can’t do it; babies are morally monsters — completely greedy. Their imagination has to be trained into foresight and empathy.” - Ursula K. Le Guin

You have to make sure Hitler is established as Hitler before you kill him- if you kill a baby named Adolph Hitler, then there’s a chance his nanny could swap in a different baby (babies mostly look the same to me) before his parents know he’s gone, and that baby will grow up to be the person actually known to history…

I’m going to start a birther movement slightly less ridiculous than the previous one, on the basis that anyone who orders Domino’s, and who eats his pizza with a knife and fork, can’t really be from New York.

Kamchatka Fried Chicken? Burger Tsar?

Goff: What do you mean I’m funny?

No words to describe it. Poetry! They should’ve sent someone whose brain was wired for poetry.

Yeah, I think I got to a point where the options were “Kill Dad” or “Destroy All Your Work”, and I didn’t really want to chose either of those things.

I have no internet skills, so just imagine I posted the Chopped gif with the Six Million Dollar Man noise playing over it.

[Quickly counts to one on his fingers]

-Pope Francis, making a succinct but compelling bid for Vatican City to host the 2032 Summer Games.

“make the physical Hall a series of concentric circles with the true immortals at the center and Harold Baines way out on the perimeter. Or, alternatively, go to hell!”