The Onion’s “Stephen A. Smith Thinking Son Is Finally Ready For The Sex Argument” was gold, but the fact that he didn’t recognize it as a joke until it was explained to him pushed it into platinum status.

Harrison Butker gonna kick the shit outta that football.

Next time you get the urge, just rattle off George Carlin’s seven words twice.

DEAR SIR STOP HAVE JUST PERUSED YOUR LATEST CIRCULAR REGARDING BASE-BALL PROWESS OF ONE GEORGE HERMAN RUTH STOP STRONGLY DISAGREE WITH YOUR CONCLUSIONS AS TO HIS SUCCESS AGAINST MORE MODERN BASE-BALLERS STOP WILL CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION IMMEDIATELY STOP YOURS SINCERELY PHINNEAS J RUTHERFORD

I live in mortal terror that my glasses will spontaneously slip down my nose into the blue liquid when I’m using a Port-a-John and I’ll be forced to make the split-second decision if I want to reach in after them. I’m reminded of Jack Handey’s words of wisdom about dropping your car keys into a river of molten lava,…

Using a computed tomography scan of a fossilized parasaurolophus skull, in conjunction with mathematical models of the acoustical properties of the air passages, yes, a bone can tell you what the sound is.

Fun fact, when Miranda in The Tempest said, “How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world, That has such people in it!”, Jamie Moyer was already one of the people in that world she was referring to.

I wouldn’t bet on it.

No, it foreshadows the meta-ending when we leave the ficitonal comic book world to see an irate Gene Roddenberry wrestling a CGI Stan Lee (RIP) for control of the universe. Gene’s pissed that Thanos’s plan bit off of Star Trek’s “The Mark of Gideon” and the new title is the same as the Voyager finale.

Of course, couldn’t Thanos have simply used the gauntlet to solve the resource problem in some other way? So you can say his plan is stupid because it would kill off half the livestock, but hey, from what we know, he might just be a stupid guy.

The real question is how many people did he shoot in the face to prepare for this role?

But why do all the dogs have Hitler mustaches?

Why? That doesn’t make any sense. Sorry. There’s no known way of saying an English sentence in which you begin a sentence with ‘in’ and hyperlink it. Get me a jury and show me how you can make a link out of “in July”, and I’ll go down on you. That’s just idiotic, if you’ll forgive me my saying so. That’s just stupid,…

I thought it was established Worf would likely never get his own command after the blemish on his service record, for when he abandoned a critical mission extracting a Cardassian operative to rescue his wife instead in DS9's “Change of Heart”.

Olive Garden’s “When you’re here, you’re family” now takes on a more ominous tone. I used to just think it was a mafia reference.

It’s a slippery slope. Probably because it’s covered in gravy.

Nah, Chewie was all about that dead antelope or whatever hanging from a tree on Endor, that got them caught in a trap. Wookiees eat meat.

There’s a bit I like in Vonnegut’s prescient Hocus Pocus:

“How did a lion get rich?”

Better than being an Arwenial, the generation doomed to watch mortal men die while they linger on in darkness and in doubt as nightfall in winter that comes without a star. They will dwell bound to their grief under the fading trees until all the world is changed and the long years of life are utterly spent,…