Wait what? I don't remember that.

He would've done better with a post-it.

Ugh. Everyone knows you fake amnesia, not death! Gawd, millennials, get your shit together!

You interrupted his Precious Moment.

If ten pounds is the difference between him finding you hot and respecting you enough to be kind, he probably wasn't 100% in this from the start. I agree DTMFA.

OK, first of all, obviously your "boyfriend" is fuckin' deranged. Second of all, having been around the block lots of times and finally got lucky enough to experience what it's like to be adored and desired for who you are: run. Run now, run fast and far. You deserve so much more.

Hey, where did you neighbour's sister go?

This is the first single. In the video, her face from the iconic "Nothing Compares 2 U" music video is projected onto her face. She's wearing a long red wig that she eventually ditches to reveal her trademark shaved head.

Sounds like this guy is about to go off on an internet tirade about how his wife is stealing his child.

I have a tattoo of Larry David. It's his head on an ant body. I call it "Larry David the piss ant".

I wouldn't call mine a disaster, but the artist did slip a little bit, making one of the words in my tattoo pretty much unreadable.

My friend and his girlfriend were at the bar where I work and his girlfriend had just made an appointment to get a new tattoo. My pal decided he wanted a tattoo, so his girlfriend and I were drawing up really awful but funny ideas. My friend was like, "I'm just going to get a velociraptor wearing a monocle drinking a…

My friend used to tell the following story: "One time I was about to fuck this girl, but she had a bunch of crabs tattooed above her pussy. So I didn't fuck her because how could you fuck a girl with crabs tattooed above her pussy?" Guess which part of that story he later admitted wasn't true? God love him.

This reeks of Tom Haverford's Entertainment 720 style lavishness.

My knee is currently a Rothko, but I had a hiking accident over the weekend.

A company that wants a believable spokesperson.

You shut your whore mouth

Next they're going to start wearing pants!