Roseanne? Good night nurse!

Lettuce? You forgot about dandelion. You get the leaves in the springtime before it flowers. Then you make a salad out of it. Talk about turpentine. You can also make wine out of it. Welllllllllllllll doggies!

Let’s be honest here. Edgar Martinez didn’t play for a team I liked or even paid much attention to. In fact, Edgar Martinez had some key hits that adversely affected my team and frequently made me feel bad. So, no, I don’t think he should get into the HOF. Same for Manny Ramirez.

You want soul for Christmas? This is the only Christmas album you need.

What about the military? How do you divvy that up? A lot of the bases and training facilities are in red states. What do you do with the Navy? What about NASA and the space program? Cape Canaveral’s in Florida and Houston has Mission Control.

Some day all this shit is going to end. And we’re going to miss it when it’s gone.

That’s what thought.

The Boy Scouts need that money to combat the homosexualist agenda that’s trying to turn this nation’s crop of wholesome young boys into dope fiends and homosexualists.

Here’s a thought and I’m just spitballling here, but how about we show that as a community we value the education of our young people and pay taxes in a sufficient amount so the kids don’t have to beg the neighbors for money? Nah.

Danny from Quincy and Butch from the Cape, who has since passed away.

Don Mattingly. It’s time he gets back into a Yankee uniform.

Yep. And nothing was said if you took Tuesday off, too.

I had the Monday after Thanksgiving off because it was the first day of deer hunting season.

If someone wants to watch me lay a couple of beefy logs, be my guest. I’m thinking that view would be so traumatizing that it would only last a few seconds, at most. I figure with that logic, I could shit in front of a picture window and still have complete privacy.

You realize you’re paying for that cup and coffee and a bran muffin you’re having with the repair person, right?

I’m willing to bet that he couldn’t recite the first line to “My Country Tis’ of Thee.”

You are a man of unparalleled patience and discretion. If there is an award we could give you, you should get it.

I know a guy who drinks a 2 liter bottle of diet coke every day and he’s in the best shape of anyone I know.

How about 25? I bet he couldn’t even name 25.

The best touchdown celebration is a good solid spike. It’s simple, it’s direct and it gets the point across that you just did something cool. When possible, it should be proceeded by a few yards of high stepping it into the end zone.