I’ve had several “incognito” poops. The kind where you wipe and it’s clean. There’s no trace at all.

In difficult times such as these, it’s nice to see Americans go back to the one unifying, unambiguously good past-time that has lasted them for over 240 years: kicking the shit out of the Irish.

Hey, we also have a burgeoning youth movement, with, uh, Jake Virtanen who is almost as good as Jack Skille already

I am proud to have voted for Kamala Harris and Hillary Clinton. And my bright spot in this is the fact that my little girl has spent the last weeks saying she wanted to be “the first girl president.” And I didn’t know what to say to her. But now I do. #Sophie2052

I’m dismissing you because that’s what you’re worth with your shitty trolling. But I will say, I am dealing with it. This is the world now. I accept it. It doesn’t mean, however that I am required to like it

I halfway expected to see Sidney Crosby had gotten another concussion and returned to the ice to find someone had cucked his starting spot.

*gaia online

When I was in 6th grade, our school banned shorts for some reason. I got so mad I started to campaign to bring them back.

SAME.

I switched my voter registration from Florida to Massachusetts in 2000 (my senior year of college), comvinced that it’s not like my absentee ballot was going to matter much in Broward County.

I enlisted in the US Army. 4 years of active duty. That was fucking stupid.

This one time, there was a huge possum sitting on my backyard fence, and I side-armed a tennis ball right at it and knocked it off. Pretty sure I had that same goofy grin on my face. That was my World Series.

C’mon man, that’s not fair. Sox fans can’t write.

Hey bud, from all of us here at the Deadspin comment section, go fuck yourself.

One thing I can control is the amount of donuts I will eat in response to this sad as hell post.

Cubs: How’s everything going tonight?
Indians: Fine.
Cubs: Your entrees are good?
Indians: Yes, fine, thanks.
Cubs: More water?
Indians: All set, I’d just like to-
Cubs: Refresh your wine?
Indians: No, thank you, but the food is getting col-
Cubs: Care for the dessert menu?
Indians: No, please, let me eat my dinn-
Cubs: More…

So weird—I heard she’ll be 45 in January.

there’s a guy outside who says he needs to be in here

*tour guide voice*