I heard that deer watched a raccoon drown in a pond and it did nothing to help it.

Yeah, right. Definitely seen that on the internet before too.

Because you’d expect it to be porn. Just so we’re all on the same page.

I’m still paying off my most recent visit to Whole Foods … or as I like to call it, Whole Paycheck.

Yeah, this is why i dont go out in public anymore. You never know who will be in bad mood, and who has won titles in the UFC.

Welcome to Deadspin, this is Billy! 

In my defense, I would like to point out that the leash did end up getting used.

Yeah I could totally see some smart-ass trying this on everyone he knows and then checking their power chords when he’s at their house to see if they fell for it. It’s way too stupid for anyone to actually believe in 2018.

Dude’s gotta be screwing with the letter writer. Like sending the new guy in the restaurant to get the ice warmer or the bacon stretcher. Otherwise, our education system just needs to get blown up and so we can start over.

Why does everyone want to bring their dog with them every time they leave the house? Grocery store-bring your dog. Retail store that has absofuckinglutely nothing to do with dogs or pets-bring your dog along! Maybe there will be another dog there and they can bark and fight!

A live look at the victim:

I’m sure there are a lot of girls who are Playboy models SLASH random job titles. I was a playboy model slash drywall hanger. 

Nah. He was just getting ready for his kick.

That guy was so annoying and has definitely never seen the statue of liberty

That punter was looking just like the Statue of Liberty:

Don’t read too much into it. “Who/what/when/where?” is Eli’s thing

I dunno, on this issue it seems the called out players all took a knee

I flinched when my gf threatened to throw a pillow at me just yesterday, but I momentarily forgot that my brain is encased in skull. I should retire.

Yeah, could be any size douche, really. 

Great, now I’m picturing Laura Wagner as TAWMMY FROM QUINZEE.