Haha, Barry, of course this isn't in a vacuum. In a true vacuum, the lack of external pressure would cause Bryant's head to swell exponenti

Cue the people who don't know how countdowns work in 3...2...1....

Man, I haven't seen this much cancer untying the Giants since Barry Bonds' contract expired.

Asked for comment, Simmons muttered repeatedly, "Larry would be so proud of me. So proud. So proud...."

I got tattooed many a time with gold pee, but mostly at the changing table.

The biggest revelation came in the form of a thoroughly redacted 1975 birth certificate for one "Michelle Gundy", raising concern as to the validity of prior declarations that the Oklahoma State coach is, in fact, "a man" or "forty".

Ahh. Yea. It's GOOD. I'm more partial to the completely accidental, broken-play fumble recovery where they have to rumble through a handful of DBs and collapse in a heap in the end zone. That's just more fat guy-ish.

B-b-b-b-but... scholarships!

His other arm says "I will fight every nigger hear."

Author's unstated assumption is that the AFL is located somewhere other than rock bottom.

[Scans couch]

I first went to MSG as a kid to see the circus. I then went sixteen years later and saw a Knicks game. One thing changed and one thing stayed the same in those sixteen years. This place of wonder when I was four was now a shithole. I was still a whiny virgin asking my mom to buy me ice cream.

PITCHFORK

Tim Lincecum did something similar. But I find it hard to believe he's only the 420th best player in MLB.

But is he "playing the game right way"? He'll never make it in this league by "being good at playing baseball", he has to impress sportswriters with his ability to provide fodder for feel-good puff pieces about "grit", "determination" and "being a blue-collar type of guy" first

Utterly exhausted, a clucking Buster Olney finishes typing the word "shame" for the 800th time, & clicks "Send" to his editor.

Correction. These are replica jerseys. There's no such thing as an authentic Dwight Howard.

Let's investigate:

I'll stop putting Ketchup on my hot dog when someone brings me the head of Jim Belushi. Not a day before.