Remember that time I kept getting told I had pneumonia and my back pain was “unrelated” and we don’t know what’s causing it, but take some Aleve we guess, and then I was diagnosed with STAGE IV CANCER? hahahahahahahafuckyoudoctors

I have a hard time believing that an artisanal, locally-sourced, hand-crafted, gluten-free, organic, bean-to-bar chocolate maker would misrepresent their product in this way.

I’m currently 33 and am completely independent save the $50 birthday check I get each year. At least I thought I was, until a few days ago when my father suggested kicking me off the family cell phone plan and I reacted as though he had asked me to sell my kidney.

she got punched in the face a bunch

Doctor’s also report that he was able to remember to “Pass it to Kobe.”

I figured it was a scar caused by the friction of the giant brass balls of the crew of the tanker dragging down the runway.

The mark on the runway isn’t from the f4, it’s a result of the pilot’s pants finally exploding.

“I am Legend.”

So is a doucheschooner like a douche canoe, but worse? Is there an established hierarchy of douchebaggery I can consult?

The scammer needs a punch in the throat just for using the phrase “easy as pie” with such a bullshit complicated order.

He probably also wouldn’t support financial support for her when she needs it to sustain a child and the psychological counseling of it.

If you kill me, I won’t be able to tell you where I hid the beer.

My only regret is I can only upvote your comment once.

Oh my god I’m so glad there’s a space for me to express how stupid this article is. It’s literally the exact same article papers have been writing about rich white kids in Manhattan since the 1920s, updated each year to include the new technology and trend.

I am a bit phobic about air travel. I’m the spazzy person who white knuckles the arm rest and goes into meditative breathing anytime the captain mentions it’s time to buckle up because we have some turbulence ahead. But twice now I have been seated next to the only person on the plane who was more afraid to fly than I…

I can’t believe the ham sandwich stayed in the helmet.

Lil Wayne suffers from a seizure disorder (as well as opiate addiction) so I'm guessing that's what the med equip is for.