Most of the hot takes would be provided by NFL GMs hoping that their insightful concerns about his “lack of commitment and questionable team spirit” would cause him to fall in the draft.

“Did Kobe stand around grandstanding before juking about 30 different ways before throwing off an ill-advised jumper because his teammates didn’t do anything, or did Kobe’s teammates stand around and not do anything because they knew that no matter what they did he’d still stand around grandstanding before juking…

Not to mention the fact that KD could for a moment consider the fact that one of his relatives, friends, agents, etc. mentioned something to SAS and didn’t tell him about it. People are rarely forthcoming with their employer about being a source for the media. The fact is, many people LIKE being considered an inside…

Shit, you knew what he MEANT, and it took him 75% of the time it would take everyone else. That’s efficiency!!

This Ain’t the Martian XXX: Matt Damon’s In Uranus

“Muslim parenting styles encourage terrorism, say experts.”

I’m baffled that the teachers-should-carry-guns crowd doesn’t see that all this will do is encourage the dreams of kids who want to die in a heroic shootout with the teachers at their school. I mean, seriously—for every kid who’s like “well, I *was* going to shoot up the school, but one of the teachers might be armed,…

Man, if only there was some way that Google could retaliate, some way of making it, say, harder for people to FIND Amazon.com when they were SEARCHING for something to buy.

No, “fee fees” is a term to indicate that you are crying like a baby about your feelings about something stupid. Yes, men should have feelings. I have them, for example. I love my kids. I get all teary eyed when I go up to bed at night and my daughter has written me a little note about how much she loves me, and left…

What can I say, I have a gift for compelling narrative and character development.

Remember that time your mom was in the hospital and the doctor said “why are you here?”and she said “because I’m going to have a baby?” and the doctor was like “ugh, I bet it’s going to be a fucking ugly and stupid baby” and she was all “nuh-uh, it’s going to be amazing and smart and gorgeous, too” and the doctor was…

You’ve got the haughty arrogance down PAT, son. May I take the liberty of forwarding your resume on to Gregg Easterbook for his consideration?

The irony, of course, is that I stopped reading your thoughtful post as soon as you mentioned a girl with a sweet rack.

Graph of my workplace productivity when these pieces come out...

Julia Roberts is “leaning on Kiefer” to get through her marriage drama.

The Model X is capable of moving ahead so fast, so quickly that I was able to hit 80 MPH in a parking lot, by accident, without ruffling the car’s feathers.

They’d say “Have you been smoking marijuana cigarettes?” And you’d answer, “Only if I live in Oregon, Washington, Colorado, or DC, where it’s legal to do that” and they say “Hot shit! The future sounds amazing.”

“A very overrated dinosaur,” Trump said.

Well maybe refs should stop dressing themselves in one of nature’s best forms of camouflage, hmmmm?

A true dad joke always concludes with the dad denying that it is a joke.