"The kid is impressive, my colleagues in the football program told me he was timed at 4.55 seconds. Don't know where he gets that kind of stamina."

(they won't attend club events if Miley is there, causing her demand to drop.)

Gah, WTF is that??

I would say there is significant overlap on the Venn diagram of "people who honor 'heritage' with a Confederate flag" and "people with white power bumper stickers."

You should try to celebrate something about your heritage that was not a losing attempt at rebellion. Lane Kiffin's single season at UT, perhaps.

"They told me it was Upton again this year."

I want to believe.

This is so good that even Janine Turner is crying tears of laughter.

Because he might lose, and it's better to be the Guy Who Would Definitely Have Obliterated Everyone if He Had Only Entered than to be the Overhyped Guy Who Entered and Got Beat by Some Nobody.

Or as my racist relatives preface their racist email forwards, "Just something to think about..."

"A shoulder hit is called a helmet-to-helmet hit..."

Incognito is an overweight asshole of European descent, or "meathead," in the parlance of our times.

I must point out, and with much regret, that the rhetorical grace and skill of your post is somewhat undone by your having opted to include as examples two instances in which a brave defending force was, in the final analysis, overrun and massacred by the opposition—or "offense," to use the crude terms of American…

Too soon. FIVE YEARS TOO SOON, ALAN!

Yeah, I bought some at the store recently, and was SO excited to have them, but they weren't very good. Just sort of sweet, absolutely no bacon flavor at all. Disappointment.

How about "Guy who spends the entire time fiddling with his phone so he can take 15 second videos of the band during various songs, even though it means he never really watches the concert, and you know he's so drunk anyway that his clips will be out of focus and GODDAM DO I HATE THAT GUY."

Oh! This a fun game! The father is NOT: Roberto Begnini

"But what does Her Majesty think about scrunchies?"

To be fair, if "the Knicks" counts as "a professional basketball team," then I think we can let "Michelle Rodriguez getting drunk and making out for 10 seconds with another woman while fully clothed" count as "lesbian sex."