“Alcoholism” in Russia just gets marked down as natural causes.

Russians are a people who live to die.

You forgot 1.5: Cirrhosis.

I forgot one:

Drowning actually was one of the notable lower-ranked causes! (I actually did look this up so as to be as accurate as I was dickish.)

I am pretty certain The Penguin could win a seat in Russian Parliament. But then again, I’m just a xenophobe.

Ahhh crap. Well, it won’t be any worse than that time that [redacted] and I had to [redacted].

4) Suicide by gunshot to the base of the skull

What’s the best nation in the world? Urination!

Jabbed with a poison tipped umbrella is fairly unclear.

don’t forget about krocadil!

Thanks. I spit my coffee out at this one... all over my pants, keyboard, shirt...

In mother Russia Cancer cures you...

4) Being Russian

Death from vodka, of course, being a “clear circumstance”

.

Leading causes of death in Russia (per capita):

I believe it was Lenin who said, “Here, take this shit and you’ll be, like, wicked strong and able to run really fucking fast.”

After receiving a signal that “the urines were ready,” the young girl took her place in front of R. Kelly and closed her eyes.

In America, athlete give urine sample for authorities. In Russia, authorities give urine sample for athlete.