First, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Hahahahaha... this shit’s all so stupid and pointl

Yeah, I really want to be a fly on the wall when JANAVS’ two daughters read the transcript of that phone call in which he flat out says one of them is too dumb to catch on to this scheme but the other one might figure it out.

I don’t feel bad for the kids at all. They had every possible advantage in life (including parents who were filling to commit crimes on their behalf) and they still couldn’t get accepted to decent colleges? Cry me a river.

The Hallmark movie about this scandal starring Lori Loughlin is gonna slap, though.

That Buckingham kid’s writing is awful. At least his mother realizes she’s got a dotard though:

“I know this is craziness, I know it is. And then I need you to get him into USC, and then I need you to cure cancer and [make peace] in the Middle East.” 

But if they can pull the last one off, they’re smarter than Jared…

So, since Lori Loughlin is involved, is it fair to say that this scandal is everywhere you look?

I audibly gagged at the thought of getting ready to go down on a sexy dude, only to be punched in the face nose by some stank hot dog dick.

It’s not just vaginas! There was a bodybuilder in my dorm when I was in college who basically only ate meat as part of some weird 0% body fat diet. He was stunningly gorgeous, intelligent, and charming. He got tons of one-night stand tail but could never hold down a girlfriend. Why? It was openly discussed (behind his…

I too am a billionaire if you estimate the value of my brand at $4 billion. Please don’t make me own the Bills.

My mom was a guest at a professor’s house. A fellow guest was determined once she saw black faces in her midst to hear an authentic negro spiritual. She excitedly asked my mom if she knew any “chants”. My mom could barely contain herself. From laughing. She replied “Gregorian ones”. My mom was raised Catholic.

do white people ask to touch/pet other white people’s hair, or is it only a black thing?

Life Hack: Name your kid after someone famous to bury their digital identity. 

My kid’s name is A) common, and B) shared with an NFL player who shows up in news stories fairly often. If anything on my kid is there, it’s buried pretty deep in the search results.

“Awake, awake, Zion, clothe yourself with strength! Put on your garments of splendor, Jerusalem, the holy city. And maybe, like, an ankle brace or something, ‘cause damn that don’t look good.”

noting that people who know him view him as a “man of integrity.”

Steve Harvey, Tyler Perry, Lee Daniels, Oprah Winfrey, Spike Lee. All should have had MoNique’s back.

And yet Rocket, despite being a bloodthirsty pathological thief with a mordant sense of humor, is now a beloved children’s-culture icon.

I think 2017 is actually a pretty good candidate. Wonder Woman, Logan, Spider-Man: Homecoming, Thor: Ragnarok. Plus Lego Batman, and if you want to think of Guardians as a superhero thing, I think the second one is actually a bit better than the first. Not only are those movies all at least good, it covers so many…

Here’s a question (perhaps to be answered after four more columns): What was the best year for superhero movies? Because GotG and Winter Soldier, plus Big Hero Six, make 2014 a pretty strong contender. I’d say the action scenes in Winter Soldier are the best of any Marvel movie. But I guess 2018 is solid too.