I guess the part of this story that freaks me out the most is the fact that Ruth Palmer refuses to think about the fact that it. is. one. of. her. friends. “Oh, they would never do that”.... um, they did. SMALL POOL OF SUSPECTS. LET THE GAME OF CLUE BEGIN.

I have three family members with Crohn’s disease and two waiting their turn (my cousin, after three serious surgeries *in his 20s* to resect his bowel repeatedly and an entire adulthood in and out of the hospital decided to have two biological kids; do not get me started on what kind of egotistical shit does that to…

Get black out drunk on the weekends? Hey, whatever. But use weed to help your debilitating disease and get fired because fuck you, that why. Absolute bullshit.

Eric Nies story: When I was sixteen, my best friend/next door neighbor called me and in hushed tones told me to come over and be super duper quite. She would not tell me what was up. It was 6 am, so I threw on some clothes and snuck over, past her moms room and opened her door. There was Eric, snoring softly in her…

Those girls, Kendall and Gigi and Bella and Cara look like they’re living the stuff of dreams and loving every minute of it. They don’t seem jaded or blase and even if it could be argued that they’re young for their lifestyles they’re also working pretty hard. Their friendships seem very genuine and the way the group…

Of course Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds collect typewriters. Of course.

My girlfriend lived above a lesbian bar.Every few weeks some straight drunk guys would wander in and try to start shit with the ladies and each and every time,we’d see them getting the shit kicked out of them by some kickass butches.It was awesome

rekt.

Don’t mess with people carrying trays...

You gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em.

1. Calls in a Diflucan to the pharmacy when you have a yeast infection - this just happened this morning with this new PA guy I started seeing and I died and went to non-itchy heaven.

“Answers when the bank calls” — I hadn’t thought of this, but, man, this is a good one. Adding my own: 1) buys two identical footballs, one for toddler son, one for toddler daughter. 2) drives safely. 3) wears shorts a little above the knee. 4) likes Iron Maiden *and* Gloria Gaynor *and* Chopin.

For me:

Nick Offerman is my spirit animal.

36. Super smart, cures diseases to life threatening diseases everyday

45. Writes self serving humblebrag posts on Jezebel and shows wife all the stars he got because he’s an awesome feminist.

What the fuck are “Stamps?"

This is NOTHING compared to the shit real waitresses deal with on the daily, but when I worked at Barnes and Noble, I used to sub in the Cafe. It's Starbucks-affiliated, so we had to write the names of customers on their cups. Nothing beats the time a man came in with his significant other, ordered both of their…