eggplant and goat cheese pizza mmmmmm

I hate planning this wedding. I hate it so much. I wanted to elope but this was really important to fiance so we're going ahead with a 200 person affair. It. is. insane. At first I thought it would be fun, but it's not. I used to think a wedding was about two people making a commitment. Turns out it's about renting…

This is why I don't trust anyone who has a neck the same width as their head. Like 3/5 are rapists. Swear to god.

Sometimes I want diarrhea with an Asian flair. This should hit the spot.

Amazing. Last weekend I had a guy (with an AWESOME meteor tie) ask me if I had stress, then hand me a watchtower pamphlet to "help relieve stress". The first two pages were pretty mellow and then the rest was about how the earth was gonna explode! Bait and switch! Come on, bible guy, be cool!

I feel like it serves an immediate biological function, one to two times a day.

I dated a girl who had literally never touched her own clitoris before. And this was in college. Since then I've met at least 3 other women that (admitted they) had not masturbated before. Additionally I've met at least 5 straight men that could have benefitted from this game.

By that logic, a penis is an overdeveloped clitoris. Well done.

This is fascinating. What do YOU think happens?

You made a bad joke, pal. It was too long and dealt with unfunny subject matter. A lot of people didn't get it. They didn't laugh. In fact they were just kind of pissed off. It's ok. The important thing is to remember that there is always a chance for redemption. Move on; make better jokes.

Fuck you, Ump. Fuck you too, Catcher. I hope this flying bat destroys your orbital bones. What a douche.

Me too! And as far as talking shit about Blake Griffin goes, idgaf if he believes in Dinosaur Jesus, spaghetti monster, or whatever. What I really want and answer for is THIS SHIT:

update: checked some other news sources and all say he strangled her to death and then attempted to hide her body by disposing of it in the river. However, I am really hung up on one detail. Why would he stuff a sock in her mouth if she was already dead? If I were the prosecution I would try to nail down time of…

Gawker is hardly the paragon of journalism so it's not surprising there is a lot of ambiguity. I've always been somewhat interested in true crime stories so I'll probably follow this one as more details emerge.

lol "Which isn't to knock their StDs" Think about it. Let it sink in.

FAIL for using the Twilight poster.

I mean, it seems like it would be a slam dunk case for murder though. The initial assault may have been in the 'heat of the moment' but the rest required planning. He had to transport her, call a friend, and carry out throwing her over a bridge with the coordinated help of another person. How is that not premeditated?…

I read your stuff all the time. I'm having a really hard time with this photo. Reading through the comments like I normally do. Now I'm just disgusted by the number of people using the photo as a jumping off point for whatever synthetic tangent to rant out their current political agenda. I can't really deal with it.…

I legitimately just cried for about ten minutes. Please warn us if you're going to post a photograph this horrific.

I have a completely illogical allergy that even I think is stupid. I try not to talk about it, because it makes no sense and people will always try to call me out and act like I'm doing it for attention. Like, yeah, saying "I'm allergic to raisins" is my one cheap thrill in life. It really sustains conversation at…