How the fuck can I not get a job with ESPN.

It’s none of my business who he sleeps with. Although I bet Matthew Broderick is pretty upset.

Whatever man. Having a bunch or really insanely nice and cool cars doesn’t mean you have a small dick. I’m sick of this shit. I drive a really awful car and my dick is small and bad.

Fun fact: At Yankee games there is a designated part of each game where fans stand up, say “peace be with you” to all the people around them, and discuss how much they paid for their respective tickets.

The only thing dirtier than the water

Tears be gone.

As a precaution, the Australian teams have been instructed to “row the other way”.

The IOC would feel really bad about this, but in their defense, the bribes were exceptionally large.

I’ve printed and framed this comment, because it is the worst joke ever told.

Coach Tomsula: Does anyone know how to get a mouse out of a vacuum cleaner motor? Just curious.

Ah, come on. That’s not that bad of a tweet. Cut the man some slacks.

The difference between you girlfriend telling everyone about your small dick and her posting a picture of it on Facebook.

If you’re going to post American Crime Story recaps on Deadspin, at least make sure you post them in the right order. The beat-up white Bronco getting chased around happens in episode 2, and the murdered-in-LA story happens BEFORE that.

If ‘Megatron’ keeps his word, that leaves his career numbers as follows: 83* touchdowns on 731* receptions for 11,619* yards.

You should be going to bed at night sad because you starred your own post, but your reason suffices.

Just another mistake by Jim Tomsula at Levi’s Stadium.

Tom had the greatest Twitter burn of all time:

Salty as fuck pats fan?

Man, on the heels of B.o.B.’s bullshit earlier this week, it’s like everybody has to disagree with Newton.

You know what really makes Seahawks fans look petulant and stupid? Referring to themselves as ‘12s’. It was nice when you were an up-and-coming team, but now it’s time to shut the fuck up with that.