He wouldn’t be so smart without all those CARDS!

I mean, he’s more than twice my age and probably twice as fuckable as me. So, it could be worse. 

Muthafucka is actually 5' 10.124"

Anyone who’s been dumb enough to read any assholes combine reporting knows it’s manner of bullshit nitpicking. There’s standard shit like, “not twitchy enough in the foot” to like truly fantastic shit about lacking the sturdy thumb knuckle bone of a true NFL defensive tackle.

I’m awful with all dialects. Apologies. 

“Yeah, dat dar eh ‘Game er Trones.’ It’s ah show all about how deez big ol dragon lizahds kill people and use dar fancy chairs as game pieces.”

Also, Aaron Rodgers is fucking Kirk Cousins....for some reason?

Is this a fair place to note that CC Sabathia has a Simpson’s head (where it only looks okay from the side and not straight on)?

Really? You’ve never heard about how quickly I can make an ass groove in a couch. I’m on that next next level.

Until the Rams give me a multi-million dollar 100% guaranteed contract, we’ll never know who’s really better.

I went to the doctor a few years back thinking I injured my shoulder and he told me it was arthritis. I took ibuprofen for a few weeks and warm up and haven’t had a problem since. Am not suggesting that I, a 36 year old desk jockey am strong/better, than 24 year old all-pro Todd Gurley. BUT, it does make you wonder...

During the reception the groom apparently didn’t like the way the new bride was dancing with other guys and started yelling at her. He then called her some form of whore and began trying to tear the dress off her. She swung wildly. Security (which were our hires), separated them and kicked everyone out to the parking…

They were mostly technology displays, so no. But one time I couldn’t figure out how to turn off a monitor and had to call the operations manager at like 11pm. So...no. Not at all the same.

Also one time we hosted a wedding where the bride and groom got into a huge fight and it ended with them being separated in the parking lot and him chucking the ring at her, before the bride announced she’d be taking the limo and going clubbing with her bridesmaids. Love is truly wondrous.

I used to work at a museum that hosted events (conferences, meetings, lectures etc.) and we always had the best food. They were almost always company events, so no one wanted to take the food home, so just wait until 2pm and you could basically just forage for all the left overs. I don’t mean just bagels or sandwiches.…

Is that what does it? I mean....Is it the lawyers, Dave? REEEEEAAAAALLY?

When people refer to Antonio Brown as a “distraction” maybe they’re referring to his bleached mustache. I seriously can’t focus on a word he says, because I’m just staring at the platinum Caterpillar.

That whole Times piece is like one part insane person, one part deeply awful narcissistic.

Woke people: You can criticize Israel just don’t be anti-Semitic.
Normal people: Cool, well I do have a problem with the incredible influence Israeli funded PACs wield in America.
Woke People: WOAH! Jews and money?! Anti-Semitic much?!

I don’t think this counts towards the Warriors standard of, “Getting shitty dudes a ring,” since he already was that dude before.