While you make interesting points, one thing to remember first and foremost is that KD is a bitch.

This should elicit chortles from Bortles.

Just glad to hear it’s not Garfield 1-2323. They’re a Cleveland institution.

Is this where this goes?

Well, the streak started with two wis against the Red Sox, Then Swept the Royals (Decent), and the Yankeees (Pretty good). Can’t fault a team for winning games that are on their schedule.

Fuck the beach. The beach is the fucking worst. You know who goes to the beach? Miserable fucking people go to the beach, to pretend that they’re not miserable fucking people.

The Bay Area is in the 100s, covered in forest fire smoke and still summer busy. The high temp I have to deal with tomorrow is 112.

It is a high of 114 in the valley in LA today. Kindly go fuck yourself.

I like to measure how long it takes a writer to describe the air as crisp when discussing the fall. You made it four words.

Back when he was still with the Eagles (maybe 08 or 09), I ran into Andy Reid at Home Depot once. He was incredibly nice. It was in early September and the Eagles were getting ready to start the season. There is a Home Depot in South Philly. About 2 miles from the Linc. He is pretty easy to spot. So I went over…

Imagine the numbers Andre Johnson could have put up for his career with even a mediocre QB. He’d probably be a Top 5 all time receiver, at least, with a good one. And he was wasted on the Texans for almost a decade, as they fielded schlub, after schlub.

Or

I always think he looks like Martin Short playing a scumbag televangelist.

Guess we’ll find out how Susan is doing soon enough.

Having the sick impulse to call the cops, from the site of one of the worst flood disasters in American history, to report victims of that flood for looting a supermarket; but also: a crime

It’s the whole premise of purposely taking a bad take and being earnest about it and that in and of itself being funny, not the actual material. Unfortunately, satire only works when it’s good.

Better idea:

I'm sure they loved having their Sanctimonious Little Angel at home each grueling hour of the day.

Then, when you were out of earshot, celebrations.