KID’S MOM: I’m looking for a cake for my 5-year-old’s birthday, let’s see... fuck Tom Brady, is that a good choice?

Man, you sound insufferable.

Earl just got a little Too Close (you’re making it hard for me).

Who Will Win the 2016 World Series?

So ur with ur honey and yur making out wen the phone rigns. U anser it n the vioce is “wut r u doing wit my daughter?” U tell ur girl n she say “my dad is ded”. THEN WHO WAS PHONE?

What does it really matter to you? Fuck, if you spend time judging people by whether or not they are wearing a belt with a casual article of clothing then you might need a hobby in your life.

You probably have to be a classless hillbilly to take something like wearing a belt with jeans and make it into some sort of masculine issue.

Not every day a guy flashes two windbreakers.

I say remove the logo solely for the reason little white Lindsey Adler can look in the mirror and say to herself, “You Lindsey. You have done good in this world. You’ve saved lives, Lindsey. You are the great White Hope these people have been waiting for. Too bad you weren’t around in the 1800s, Lindsey. You coulda…

“What are two things a fourteen year old boy wants in his mouth, and the only one that’s in there now.”

The problem is that the NFL wants to be all things to all people. Public release of medical information for the gamblers. Pink in October for the ladies. Testing for weed for uptight old white guys.

Anything like APA Protection?

I would have stayed up, knowing that in ten more minutes I could hit that morphine pump again.

Real time fantasy changes? So NOW I’ll need to stop painting the living room to start on dinner without even a heads-up from my wife?

I wish I had this feature for subtlety telling my wife that she doesn’t fit into that dress anymore.

They’ll probably do that too, but I don’t mind that because most of them have put the whole thing in perspective.

For every drunk, stupid Wrigleyville bro bandwagon fan, there’s an old man whose earliest memories are sitting on his dad’s knee listening to the Cubs lose on the radio. A man whose dad passed away without ever seeing the Cubs win a title and is just hoping to see one before he passes away.

He obviously stole that idea from his old teammates. The Panthers secondary has been going for fake pumps and getting toasted on the field all year.

“Dabo Swinney yells. Jim McElwain yells. Little Mora yells. Nick Saban yells... Jim Harbaugh yells...”

Last time two Cleveland teams were in their respective championships was 1954 with the Browns winning and the Indians losing. The Indians won in 1948 while the Browns won the AAFC (unbeaten and untied).

I was born in Elyria, OH in 1967, grew up in Oberlin, so 2016 is pretty damn nuts as far as the sportsballs go.