"Jaguars are a terrible investment."

Yes, more than any NFL player in history, but Goodell really should be compared to his peers like Stalin, Mao, and Kim Jong-Il.

NFL: Not for profit organization.

That's about the only way one of Jeter's girlfriends is seeing a diamond.

Please. Someone with as limited range as Scarlett Johansson should never be playing shortstop.

I always thought that of all of his girlfriend's Tyra Banks would have been the pitcher.

Does anyone have an exact date of when journalism died?

While sportswriters carry on about the passing of Derek Jeter, the average New York sports fan is still mourning the passing of Eli Manning.

"He wants to go out like Michael Jordan."

As a regular viewer of WFAA and Hansen's I can tell you this commentary is representative of many of his others. He does not suffer fools gladly and has no patience or tolerance for athletes and their antics. I think we've all thought the same thing as Hansen and Jon Stewart in comparing the Michael Sam situation to…

Texas is a complicated state. Its people will surprise you sometimes.

"You know what else I'm not always comfortable with? My wife's cooking. Martha must be bored halfway to heck with some of the recipes she's been trying. I'll oblige the woman, but she must be two parts daft and one part dumb to forget that I like my cooking how I like my Lincolns, continental. Your boy Dale can't…

Replace Jeff Daniels with this guy and make it a little more lighthearted and I may actually watch The Newsroom.

Of course he did go on to say that Sam was "a no-good son of a bitch" for not having originally signed on to play for the Longhorns 4 years ago. Progressivism still has it's limits after all in the state of Texas.

The man quoted black lesbian poet Audre Lorde. Audre. Fucking. Lorde. Now, I do wonder if he really knows he she is, or if he just plucked a quote off the Internet. But seriously, a venerable Texas sportscaster quoting Audre Lorde on TV is not something I expected to see in this lifetime.

Bynum: RAINDROPS!

-Threatening to kill a whole group of people

"I've changed my mind about this guy! Let's get him on our team!" - Anonymous NFL exec

Why couldn't they just hug it out? Life is too short! After all, time spent tweeting emo tweets is time spent not crushing puss, bro.

FACT: HE HAD SUICIDAL THOUGHTS SO I AM RIGHT