Nike has made its decision, and now we’re making ours. I’ve ordered the Arizona Commerce Authority to withdraw all financial incentive dollars under their discretion that the State was providing for the company to locate here.

“He was scheduled to attend an event on opioids in New Hampshire”

Let me don my thinking garage and ponder that...

Weird, they didn’t show any pictures of the $10k in the trunk.  No way I’m paying that much unless I see the money first.

I’ve visited cities like that! Denver has some driving lanes randomly become street parking sometimes, based on some weird and opaque calculus. It’s confusing and frustrating AF!

All street parking, especially in downtown cores, should be removed. It occupies wasted space that causes more traffic problems than it solves “This unused lane of traffic, oh shit a parked car, now i have to try and get out” “this is a nice drive. OH SHIT *swerves* as someone who parked on the street just opened…

Oh, so it’s OK when you call the server gay, but when I do it, I get called into HR for yet another “talk?”

What is it about these boomers where they can’t just retire?

Apparently, Joe Biden is, and this is quite the shocker, an aging career politician who’s nearly ready to tell us about the time when he used to wear an onion on his belt (it was the style at the time, you see)

Wait. You think making fun of a gay waiter in 2019 would end a business meeting. Unfortunately, time to get out of the bubble folks.

I personally (don’t want to step on toes) have never met anyone with a pet pig who wasn’t a weapons-grade insufferable attention seeker. I’d rather hang out with the snake guy.

Do the Pratts know they grow up to be 100-400 lbs?

This is well before I discovered the joy of Jalopnik, but it is pure gold.

NO GOOD COTOMER SEVIS

I only eat Freedom Fries with my burgers and hash whites with my Crossain’wiches!

Or you could just buy the regular cookie dough. 

The eggs you eat are not embyos; they are not fertilized. They're a chicken period.

Hmmm the spoiler is also in the URL for this article so.....yeah

I like this comment when I read it, I love it when I sang it aloud. Bravo! 

It was totally Opposite Day when he said it.