8:30 starts are horseshit. I don’t know who they think is staying up until 1am to watch hockey on a work night, but it sure as hell isn’t me. The transition from drinking on weeknights in my mid 20s and going to bed at 1030 every night happened out of no where. I want my youth back, I want to live.

Dwight and the Rockets bench looked legitimately mad that they won.

But that would cost MONEY! What do you think NBC is? A national broadcasting company that specializes in TV broadcasts and has a large sports division?

Basketball would be better if the ball was a round screen and we could live tweet tweets right to the ball in real time so the dribbler could read the ball and become inspired to do more good kinds of shots. Imagine being passed a ball and right there on the screen/ball it says, from @DildoDunkins69: Hammer the…

What’s so scary, Barry? If he goes off the edge he’s just going to hover.

*the hot popular girl in my high school bumps into me in the hallway before shooting me a derisive sneer and going to make out with her football player boyfriend*

Oh my.

I’d criticize school staff for not seeing through the ruse, but in all fairness, nobody’s ever met a 30-year-old from South Sudan.

She probably would have if she’d known he was gonna run away from her like he was being chased by a dinosaur.

I thought for sure that he was going to apologize to the infant fly community.

Someone got stabbed in some other city so Philly fans aren’t terrible. Got it.

Why was the anchor for the yellow team the anchor for the yellow team?

I mean, it's no 700 ft. marble race, but it was all right.

There’s always next game!

Nice of him to at least use a self-portrait.

Is Joe Flacco even elite?

Who won the bet?

There’s no way he succinctly communicated an idea in a single paragraph.

The theatre: where fans are deliberately placed to where they can potentially interfere with the play.... then get kicked out of the theatre for interfering with the play, as if the possibility of it happening never even occurred to anyone before.

Tiny Catcher: Goddamnit, that was my ride home.