Some people clean dog shit off of their carpet, but you do you I guess.

Okay, I get nostalgia’s big these days, but like...why this? I was obsessed with gaming from a young age and would play damn near anything, but even I could see that these games were shit. So add this to the pile of reasons not to go into a Gamestop, I guess, right next to the mountains of Funko Pop.

Jesus, that advice is so stupid it verges on the outright malicious.

The last time I flew United I was offered the choice of pretzels, a Stroopwafel or a Biscoff. Who takes the Biscoff in that group?? NO ONE, I tell you! Maybe they’re hoping the chocolate will persuade some people to go that direction, to ease the burden on the glorious Stroopwafel.

Who would make a better celebrity pitchman: Adam Corolla for the Toyota Corolla, or Will Forte for the Kia Forte?

All said and done, Trump’s presence didn’t change one mind or net him one vote. I can say with some confidence that increase in ratings (which, thanks to karma and poor scheduling choices, NASCAR couldn’t capitalize on) was from people who were already fans of Trump.

Fun fact: 50% of NASCAR fans are attracted to the sport because it gives them hope that they, too, will someday have the courage to make a left turn despite the ensuing condemnation and ridicule from their peers.

Bill Clinton was a draft dodger and the NASCAR crowd hated him.

John mentioned it but didn’t put it as a point but the actual biggest thing that is a hurdle to socialized medicine in this country is the fact that it will destroy the insurance industry.

Europe spent a couple hundred years telling their religious wackos and misfit toys, “You’re unhappy here? Just fuck off to America, then.” and now they’re wondering how our country got so damn crazy.

Because we have a voting system that is gerrymandered to hell, reliant on a 200 year old electoral college mechanism, and a ton of people are 1 issue voters (abortion) that will vote against their own interests to ensure people they don’t know don’t have access to them. 

Expelliarmus works too

Saying “Mischief managed” when wrapping up sex, totally rookie mistake by Jake.

“Both my parents died falling out of lighthouses. Separate incidents!" So. Many. Questions. 

I thought it was his never-performed “The Maiming Of The Crew”.

I hope everyone shouts out “Z!!!” every time George Wendt appears.

I don’t recline, but you are wrong.  As long as its a feature, no one is a monster for using it.

As he is in the last row, which typically has zero recline, he most likely opted for the absolute cheapest flight cost possible. You get what you pay for.

Neutral: Would You Ever Apply For a 69-Month Car Loan?