I just wish people realized how short the window is. When he was three, I took my son to the Lights at the Zoo thing. Just the two of us, because our daughter was an infant and she stayed home with my wife.

The rules:

OH MY GOD!!!! YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER TO MOVE IT!!!!!

No, the elf bothered the mother. Santa didn't.

Emotionally frought????? Dude... relax.

I know. I asked Santa for some mad troll skillz

That’s because you aren’t a special little snowflake that has to feel outraged about something.

My response to them is: "Door. Ass. Don't let one hit the other."

Yeah... That’s kind of what happens. The only trauma is from my three-year-old daughter. Inevitably, she wants to mess with my lovingly crafted scenes.

The one that was new to me was the Binkie Fairy. Apparently, there is serious bribery to getting a kid to get rid of a pacifier.

Now, the next time Gawker media wants to outsource a story, this would be a good one. How did you find out?

This isn’t about a discussion of parenting. This is about an attention-seeking rant that has been written better elsewhere.

Yeah, but in my house, we have the elf leave a note on Dec. 24 that says, “Santa has given permission for you to hug me goodbye”

Bingo. My oldest is at the tooth-losing age. Hasn’t lost one yet, but my wife has already started scoping out the going rate among the other parents, so we can make sure we aren’t over- or under-paying.

Yup. Hopefully that one will make more of an effort.

I'm the one in the Santa costume.

Fine. They lied to you. Santa Claus is actually real. I got to go to the North Pole once on a Rotary Club exchange. It was July, so it was his downtime and the Easter Bunny was there too. They like to hang out.

Are you over it now? You're not going to go Kilgrave on us, are you?

Because it’s a hipster cool thing to hate on now. Last week, it was Bill Murray. Now it’s the elf. It’ll be something else next week.

Hopefully, he's happier with his second wife.