Between Mary Jo’s fastball and the Pennsylvania grand jury report, that’s going to be a lot of retired priests.  

We’ve now officially reached the “NFL owner talks to the Hollywood Reporter about the President’s criticism of how said NFL team handles its players” chapter of “The Downfall of American Democracy.”

I was eating while reading your comment. Fuck you for mildly inconveniencing my day. +1 Screen Spatter. 

An NFL owner that does something [record scratch] good?

plenty of people’s parents die at a young age and they don’t go on to abuse children but thanks for coming out!!! 

Perhaps, but it’s hard to feel sympathy for the guy who is staring down his list of charges.

Loose-loose is how I would describe bowl movements created from Papa John’s pizza.

So Papa John lost his PR firm, and the PR firm had to lay off staff. So pretty much a lose-lose, which is also how I would describe paying for Papa John’s shitty pizza.

As expected, the NFL has issued a three-game suspension to Buccaneers QB Jameis Winston. Winston is accused of grabbing an Uber driver’s crotch at a drive-through window in March 2016, after his rookie season.

The decision was negotiated with the NFLPA, so it cannot be uberruled.

Sigh - Please allow me to have the absolute worst take this thread will see. I’m acknowledging it up front.

If Jameis Winston actually did grope the Uber drive (NARRATOR: he did) then a three game suspension is an insufficiently weak punishment for a guy who is basically a serial sexual abuser. A year suspension seems like the bare minimum punishment

If Jameis Winston is actually innocent of these allegations (NARRATOR: he…

According to the NFL: If you (admittedly) grope a woman, you get 3 games. If you smoke marijuana, you get 4 games. If you take PEDs, you get 4 games. If you are accused of hitting a woman, but no charges are filed and the head NFL investigator recommends no punishment after a lengthy investigation, you get 6 games. If…

This is the good stuff, right here. +1, just so tasty.

Either fired or made president

What he said:

I’d probably be fired if I did that. How about you?

Okay, first of all, Jameis: Fuck off. He apologizes to the driver “for the position I put you in,” which is a masterclass in appearing to own up to what he did without even coming within the same zip code of acknowledging it.

“I’m sorry to the Uber driver for the position I put you in. It is uncharacteristic of me”

He is expected to appeal the decision, to have the ban lyfted.