I have a cucumber sitting in my fridge and while I know I should slice it for salads, fuck it. This is a way better use for it! Salads don't have gin.

His comments about the movie in general make me really not like him. You'd think he sold monogrammed coffee thermoses or something.

Someone please get me an "I will cut you" shirt.

this is some INSANE SHIT

Did Sarah Silverman and Michael Sheen break up? But they're meant to be! Like Russ and Rebecca on Chums! [ONTD]

I need a Jean-Ralphio spinoff show.

Well Jessica Lange is the queen. Never forget.

If Madeleine ever leaves Jezebel, I'll just give up.

OMG your name. I love you.

They're all serious.

If somebody told me to "put the brownie down" I would punch them in the face. Okay, well maybe I wouldn't actually physically assualt them, but I would definitely still eat that brownie.

Matt, quit making burners to post about how hot you are. We've discussed this.

You grew up there and didn't work in a single reference to F-red-neck?

I said "PUPPY" out loud. Reflexively.

The coldest, saddest puppy in Illinois

ENJOY YOUR EARTHQUAKE INTO THE OCEAN! *Sobs into ice*

Winter? Wassat?