Plus, he’s so hot right now.

Can I change this to Odor Eats It?

Would probably reserve the term “hapless” for a team that hasn’t won 16 of it’s last 24 games.

What a fucking idiot.

You’re fat

“elite CrossFit athlete”

All of my speech can be encoded as nonconsensual nude photos.

That sloppy fucker still won’t button his jacket and you know there’s tape on that monstrosity.

Even longer than usual. Showin’ those Saudis who’s boss.

I spent one night for a unpaid parking ticket and you better fucking believe I’ve never done that again. He’s not a serial rapist, he’s a spoiled sex addict, it might work.

Have you been to jail? I spent one night for a unpaid parking ticket and you better fucking believe I’ve never done that again. He’s not a serial rapist, he’s a spoiled sex addict, it might work.

Sorry. No can do. Temporary blindness induced by Melania’s belt.

“His bone spurs were acting up.”

BBC just reported that that’s EXACTLY what he’s getting. Good call! 

This. I know that celebrities caught having affairs throw around the “sex addict” excuse and we chuckle at them, but this guy really seems like sex addict that legitimately needs therapy (not that that excuses his past conduct or failure to get help previously).

When using bullet points, don’t bullet the heading. That’s another tip you should dispense.

We’re all just trying to live long enough to get plugged into a pleasure VR set.

If you are going to own only two suits, make none of them black. Black suits make you look like a waiter and no one goes to enough funerals to make it otherwise worth it. Best to go with navy blue and a dark gray.

There’s only one piece of advice that people should offer at commencement addresses: Everybody is an idiot.