And that’s the time I watched a group of 8 people spread grape jelly all over two pizzas and happily eat them.

I had a job that required to live away from home with work crew for weeks at times. We usually just rented a house and stay together under the same roof and that meant we spend evenings together. After dinner we had some time before sleep and some settled down with their beers, colas and other drinks but I prefer…

Congenital beverage generalists - the next great culling.

“So, your table stopped me and asked what kind of fish they had was because they thought you were lying to them; I told them it was cod and they asked why we didn’t have real fish.”

I mean, there are people willing to vote for Ben Carson, so.

*rubs eyes* Weekend BCO? WEEKEND BCO!!!

Said girlfriend became his wife. She packed up the kids and has filed for divorce already. That’s what a woman does when she’s not raised Quiverfull.

“I hope you’re not joking” “Is it really in there?” “Why did you make it?”. I appreciate this kid’s healthy cynicism and wish to subscribe to his newsletter.

Next week will be Revenge, so while not light, it’ll definitely be cathartic.

“Fortunately, we had a pretty good relationship with the local cops (again, this was Canada, not America, so all the young cops had Women’s Studies degrees and wanted to help poor people and shit). “

Wouldn’t free ketchup actually be commie? Charging for it is very American and capitalist.

“My husband and I are vegan. My daughter is vegetarian and both of them are allergic to gluten, lactose, shellfish, soya, onions, peppers and GM foods.” I’m assuming the kids survive on eating air, then. Assuming it’s not red air, cause they’d probably be allergic to that too.

“Dad: “NO! He wants GRILLED CHICKEN. NO LINES. How hard is that to understand?!”

If I were hooking up with a dude (not Ed Sheeran because HARD PASS) and he took off his shirt and revealed THAT tattoo I’d be like “BYEEEE”... Like the guy I met several summers ago who wore the nude colored men’s tiny briefs from American Apparel.

Is it considered the norm, when married couples keep their individual surnames, or have kids outside of marriage, to name the kids with the father’s last name? Is that The Usual Thing? If so, why? Because let me tell you, if something lives in my body for the better part of a year before blowing out my vagina then it…

I was working the early shift and in walks a woman who looks like someone has been smashing symbols against her head for a few days.

Many years ago at the group home for developmentally disabled teens where I worked there was a resident who really, really wanted to go to the best steak house in the city for his 18th birthday. He had behavior and anger issues, but was determined to earn that birthday dinner, and he managed it. So another staff…

Whenever someone brings up the arm-flab dilemma, I put my arms up like a body builder, and tell them “whenever I feel bad about my arms, I remember what I named them. Paul.” Kiss the right arm “McCartney” kiss the left arm, “WINGS!” shake both arms furiously.

It makes people laugh so now I know they’re thinking about…

I agree. I’m an old and fuck anyone who doesn’t want to see my upper back. Don’t look.